wandering

My mind wanders...
I can't stop thinking.
Every little thing distracts me from what I should be doing.
Instead I think of what I want to be doing.

I want to talk to you,
I want to laugh with you.
I want to understand and be understood.

I know it is doomed from the start,
It always is
But I want to know more, 
I want to share more.

I always do this,
I find something nice, sweet, good, positive and I twist it.
I make it out to fail before it begins. 
I am so scared of it happening again and again,
I force it to fail before it starts.

I ask for nothing and expect nothing.
It's easier that way
But for once can I just maybe get something from it?

10/29/10
~J.P. Brockman

Dear Aunt Pelta

I still can't believe you are gone.  I miss you so much. I wish I would have tried harder to come out to Arizona to see you.  Now I will never get the chance.  You will always live on as a wonderful Aunt that I loved dearly and will miss everyday. 
Love, your niece,
P.S. Cancer sucks!

I lost my Aunt Paula this past Friday night.  I was told Saturday when I called my mom to make sure she got to Arizona ok.  She told me my Aunt passed away the night before and could barely speak beyond that other to tell me that everyone sends their love and she had to go. 
She left behind a loving husband, a daughter, a son, 2 sons-in-law, 4 grandkids, 2 sisters, many friends, etc, all who loved and adored her beyond words. 
It still hurts and it will hurt for a long time but to me, I believe she is no longer in pain and she is in a better place. 
Do I want to talk about it? Not really.  Do I appreciate any sympathies and such people send my way?  Yes. 
I feel like I was never the best niece I could be and that is hard but I loved her dearly and I hope she knew that. 

R.I.P. Aunt Pelta.  I love you!

Spike

Well, last night the house I currently reside in became the new owners of Spike, a bearded dragon. Why we have this thing, I do not know. My sister-in-law saw a listing for this thing on a website and it turns out the family was giving it away for free. And not just the lizard, which my niece calls a dinosaur, we got the tank, lights, food, the works, all free! (yes, free! Who gives up these things for free?)

Well, needless to say finding a spot for him in our not that large home was not easy but my brother managed to find a place for his tank (thanks to his lovely and smarter than him wife). Well my cat was like "what is this thing?" Apparently he was trying to figure out what the scurrying noise was coming from the little thing of crickets.

(wait for it....)

Suddenly Spike moves!!! OMG!!! Wait, that thing is alive?!?!?!?! Now my cat is all excited. What is this thing? After a few minutes of staring at the tank from afar, he moves in a little closer.... then a little more and finally is staring up at this tank while he is sitting on the floor. (Note, to self, whoever said not to get into a staring contest with a cat never tried to stare down a bearded dragon...) Seeing a cat, paws against the glass and a nose pressed up against the tank trying to stare down a 4 foot lizard that has a body as big as the cat's head is priceless!

45 minutes later, when I finally took the cat upstairs to go to bed the score was cat -1, Spike - 8.


Pics to come soon!

 

(this is not Spike but it is what he looks like)

Happy yet sad

I am more than grateful for what I currently have in life.  I have great friends (both old and new), I have a wonderful job I love and I have a great, supportive family.  Yet I feel as though something is missing.

Wow, shocker! Anyone who knows me knows that I wish I had someone to come home to.  I wish I had someone I could curl up with on the couch and watch a movie with, arguing over who is going to make more popcorn because one of us finished it.  Someone who I can walk through a park with and just enjoy the scenery, or someone who will make fun of me for wanting to watch MMA and not know who all of the fighters are.

So why is it that whenever I think about who I want, you come to mind?  I should hate you or at least be mad at you but I can't.  When I was younger, I thought you were the one and maybe now I look back and reminisce about it because I am lonely.  Maybe I remember because I thought it was real.

Well, it's not real anymore.  I don't know if it ever really was but I need to get you out of my head.  I need to get over you.  I need to move on and I need to do it now.  I may not have any pictures of you or of us but I do have your drawing.  Every time I think I had gotten rid of it, I find it again.  Well, this time, I am going to get rid of it.  This time I will throw it away.  No, the trash isn't good enough.  This time I will burn it.  This time I will watch as it goes up in flames.

I have to be done with you.  I have to be over you and this time I will move on.

blogging

So many of my friends have started blogging.  I don't know how much "blogging" I will do but at least I have something out there.  I may just blog, I may post some of my writing however good or hideous (a.k.a. in need of revision) it may be.  Hope at least it will be entertaining......

~J