wandering

My mind wanders...
I can't stop thinking.
Every little thing distracts me from what I should be doing.
Instead I think of what I want to be doing.

I want to talk to you,
I want to laugh with you.
I want to understand and be understood.

I know it is doomed from the start,
It always is
But I want to know more, 
I want to share more.

I always do this,
I find something nice, sweet, good, positive and I twist it.
I make it out to fail before it begins. 
I am so scared of it happening again and again,
I force it to fail before it starts.

I ask for nothing and expect nothing.
It's easier that way
But for once can I just maybe get something from it?

10/29/10
~J.P. Brockman

Dear Aunt Pelta

I still can't believe you are gone.  I miss you so much. I wish I would have tried harder to come out to Arizona to see you.  Now I will never get the chance.  You will always live on as a wonderful Aunt that I loved dearly and will miss everyday. 
Love, your niece,
P.S. Cancer sucks!

I lost my Aunt Paula this past Friday night.  I was told Saturday when I called my mom to make sure she got to Arizona ok.  She told me my Aunt passed away the night before and could barely speak beyond that other to tell me that everyone sends their love and she had to go. 
She left behind a loving husband, a daughter, a son, 2 sons-in-law, 4 grandkids, 2 sisters, many friends, etc, all who loved and adored her beyond words. 
It still hurts and it will hurt for a long time but to me, I believe she is no longer in pain and she is in a better place. 
Do I want to talk about it? Not really.  Do I appreciate any sympathies and such people send my way?  Yes. 
I feel like I was never the best niece I could be and that is hard but I loved her dearly and I hope she knew that. 

R.I.P. Aunt Pelta.  I love you!