1-12-13 Football

So anyone who knows me knows that I am a BIG Baltimore Ravens fan.


How did I become a Ravens fans? Well let me start from the beginning:

My parents are HUGE Redskins fans and I was told I HAD to route for the skins. Me, being a crazy, silly kid decided that a) I don't have to route for them just because I am told I have to (I was taught not to give in to pressure) and b) I so do not look good in gold or maroon. In my early 2000's (I wanna say '02 or '03) I was told "Everyone has a team, you have to have a team!" I finally gave in and said "Fine, I like the Baltimore Ravens!" It made some sense because a) I grew up loving Edgar Allen Poe, b) it was still technically a "hometown" team (I do live in Maryland) and c) I look MUCH better in purple and black than gold and maroon.

In time I began really following the Ravens and becoming an even bigger fan/supporter. I mean, I listen to 98 Rock, the Flagship home of the Ravens and I have done the Polar Bear Plunge with a Ravens player. No, I have never actually been to a professional football game (I was SOOOOOO trying to win tickets to Ray Lewis' last home game before retirement) but I know one day I will see a Ravens' game so I am ok with that.

Tonight after the Ravens pulled out a 38-35 win over the Broncos in double-overtime I got a nasty message from someone I know who is a die-hard skins fan saying "the only reason ray lewis didn't leave in a walker is cause manning choked!"

REALLY?!?!?!!? Ok, some razzing is to be expected but that was a little overboard. Ray Lewis has had a GREAT 17 seasons and the Ravens want to win the Super Bowl so bad but that was just a little below the belt.

I mean come on! How awesome was it of Peyton Manning to wait an hour and a half after the game just so he and his family could congratulate Ray Lewis? I think it was pretty damn awesome and totally sportsmanlike.

Ok, so I also saw messages from other Redskins fans saying "They won't make it another week" or "Ravens suck, they just got lucky" and other BS like that. Sorry you guys didn't make it. GET OVER IT!!!!

Are you trying to compete against the Eagles and Steelers fans for who is the nastiest? Really people? Can we at least pretend to act like adults?

Grow up. Call a spade a spade and at least acknowledge that tonight was an awesome game and that is the most important part. It's not who wins or loses, it's who shows up and plays and both teams did that.

~J

1-11-13 Glasses of Water

I have noticed that a lot of people blog more or less about negative stuff. (Yes I am just as guilty of this as many others). Why do we do this? I know when we are young they teach us "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

"Well, blogging isn't really saying anything. It's typing"

Um, no so totally not true. Just because the actual words are not coming out of your mouth, they are still coming out of your brain and those words can be just as harmful as the ones spoken aloud.

Why do I say this? Well, I don't want people to think that I am such a negative person. I really am not that bad. Yeah, things aren't great for me but they could be worse.
* I have a good job with pretty awesome co-workers (for the most part/most of the time).
* I have a family who loves and cares about me.
* I have some of the greatest friends I could ever ask for.

Yeah, I have money issues but money isn't what makes people happy in the long run. Yes it is nice to be able to buy things but guess what? Buying anything and everything does not change who a person is on the inside.

Take tonight for example:

Tonight I met up with a bunch of friends for a "birthday celebration happy hour."  Anita is a wonderful person who has a great boyfriend. She and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things but we both have a love of movies which is how we met. She introduced me to Nancy through our love of movies. They were both celebrating their birthday tonight and I got to hang out with them (and many, many, many) other people. Did I drink? Nah, I had water. I didn't really feel like drinking. Did I get food? Nope. I was hungry but I didn't feel like spending $10 on a cheeseburger (but in defense, the size of the burger was well worth the price.) What did I do? I talked to friends, hung out and ended up heading back to my "sister" Theresa's place to watch a movie with them. (After I picked up something to eat - much cheaper than the cheeseburger). It was a good night.

Nothing exciting. Not much complaining. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. Yeah it stinks that I can't see them as much as we all want to but that is part of being an adult. We have to be ok with the fact that even though we can't see those we care about whenever we want, we still know we care about each other. We still send each other texts or facebook messages or whatever saying hi and that's enough for us.

In the end, I would say my glass is pretty darn full.... even if a lot of it is possibilities. =)

~J

1/9/13 - Jackasses-R'-Us

I don't understand why some people always have to point fingers at others. They can never take any blame or criticism. Come on, really? Your shit stinks just like everyone else. You are just as liable as anyone else.

I know a woman who has to give her opinion on EVERYTHING! She tells you how she thinks it is and if you don't agree with her than you are wrong. Oh and don't even try and give her your opinion because if it doesn't match hers, she won't listen.

You have proof that your man cheated on you yet you let him back into your life. If anyone says anything bad about them you get angry but you can spout off as much as you want.

Sorry dear, doesn't work that way. The sun does not revolve around you nor does it shine through your ass.

Get over yourself. You are not all high and mighty.

End of rant...... for now.

~J

1/7/13 - dentists

So the last few months of last year did not go too well.

I was scared for my job. (Thankfully I am still employed)
I quit smoking (Hopefully for good this time)
My brother had to put down the 14 yr old siberian husky he got at 8 wks old and I helped raise.
My depression hit many a low point.
I found out I had to have 2 teeth extracted on my birthday (ugh, emergency dental visit - first time seeing him in YEARS - oh and this was the week if Thanksgiving too)
Couldn't eat really much of anything Thanksgiving (teeth issues)
Money problems (Always gonna be there but they were pretty bad after all of the car problems I had over the summer)
etc...
etc...
etc...

So end of last year I had what I thought would be a cleaning but it was actually an evaluation in which I found out I had to have A LOT of work done on my teeth. (Yay, more money out of my pocket that I don't have since I my dental insurance doesn't cover all that much) So today I went in for my cleaning (that I thought I was going to get mid-December) and also to start working on fixing up my teeth.

Now one thing I will say about my dentist is that he is a pretty cool guy when it comes to talking to his patients. At least he has always been with me. It also helped that he looked me dead in the face when I had to have my teeth taken out and asked me point blank "How serious are you about keeping the rest of your teeth?" Yeah, that scared me a little since I am a little attached to my teeth.... So we set to work on a plan to save the teeth I have left. Just for the record I have had 4 teeth removed as well as my wisdom teeth.

So today I got to sit down with the dental hygienist who explained that the "little rock like things" she was pulling out of my gums was plaque deposits. (ewwwwww!) She also said that since I was now taking such good care of my teeth (I will explain everything I do now in a minute) that it would be "a piece of cake from here on out when it came to my cleanings."

Once she was done, and my teeth were cleaning/scraped/flouride covered/etc. I got to sit down with my dentist. I told him how I starting using a mouth guard at night when I sleep (not so comfortable but eventually I will get a custom made one for a little extra $$ that will be MUCH easier to use). I also brush every morning and rinse with mouthwash and every night I brush and floss. He told me he was very impressed and could see the improvement already after just a few weeks.

Yay me!!!!

Then we got to work on the fillings. One was very small and didn't use novacaine (a little discomfort but was pretty easy) but the other one was not so fun. I hate the novacaine shots. They hurt and I am always scared I am going to bite my gums or mouth or whatever and not feel it when I break the skin. (Needless to say - 6 hrs later I am still slightly sore and have a little bit of bruising but am ok.)

Advil is also my friend right now since I had to hold my jaw open more or less for 90 mins. I was told Advil will help to avoid TMJ (or lessen the pain from it or something) so yeah, slight soreness. Although it was hilarious when I tried to put chap stick on and could not rub my lips together from lack of feeling.

Hey! At least I can still make people laugh. Laughter is good. It makes people feel more at ease and it is so much better than yelling. People who are demanding and yell and scream are even more angry because they don't get their way. People do not like to be pushed around. I am nice and friendly as much as I can (at least I try to be) and people are always nice to me in return. The hygienist and I were cracking jokes and it was good.

Thankfully, I don't have to go back until at least mid-February so I have some time to heal....

So long story short (too late!! -if you actually get that reference I may have to hug you) make sure you are nice to people and TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH!!!!! (Yeah I have scared two of my nephews into making sure they brush regularly.)

(No this is definitely not my mouth.... )

1/6/13 Blah blah

Not sure why things are the way they are but I am tired.
I am tired of things always being wrong or not enough or even not what is wanted.
I try and I try to be a good person. I try to be a good person, friend, whatever but all it ever does is backfire.
Why do I even bother? Thirty-two years and it is always the same. I try and get either nothing, little or the wrong thing in return.
Maybe it is true. Maybe I am not meant to be happy. Maybe I am supposed to be happy for everyone else yet never know true happiness myself.
Yes I have the best friends and family that anyone could ever ask for but is it enough? I really want to think that it is. I can lie to myself all I want to and say it is but no matter how many times I say it, it really isn't true.
Maybe I don't really know what I want. Maybe I do.
All I know is that I am tired of waiting for you.

1/5/13 - New Years Resolutions

Ugh New Years....

Why do people make New Year's Resolutions? They NEVER stick.

- I am going to lose 20 lbs by February 1.
- I am going to go to the gym at least 3x a week.
- I am going to pay off my credit cards.

Flash to February (or March, or April).... Have you kept up with ANY of your resolutions? Probably not.

So why do people make resolutions if they are more than likely not going to stick with them? Honestly I have no idea. I haven't made a New Year's resolution in years. I don't see a point. I starting making them in like middle school. I said things like I would be a better student and make the honor roll the next go round. Yeah, anyone who knew me knew it was possible but not likely to happen.

High school came and I would make similar resolutions - get better grades, talk to Adam and find out why we weren't friends anymore, maybe ask out someone. Ok, the last one did happen but that's a whole other story.

The point is that no matter what goals we set for ourselves, we need to do them because we WANT to do them, not because it's a "new year, new start."

Fuck that shit. That's not gonna happen. Know what I want to accomplish this year? The same thing I want to accomplish ALL THE TIME! I want to get some of my debt paid off. I want to feel better about myself and my depression. I want to get closer to figuring out who the hell I am.

Am I going to make a new year's resolution to do that? Nope.... I am one of those people who if pushed or forced to do something, I will rebel against it. I will get lazy and not bother. People told me I had to quit smoking (numerous times) but I NEVER did until I decided to. Not someone else pushing me to. I did it because I just didn't want to smoke anymore. I remember every time someone would scoff at me smoking and it just made me want to smoke more just to piss them off. I would say "it's my life, let me live it." Guess what? That's totally true. It is my life. I will live it how I want to. (Within reason of course, I mean come on, if I am doing heavy drugs, not going to work, whoring around, etc I would hope and expect my friends to step in and get me the help I need).

Ok, getting off topic again.... My point is... wait, I don't think I have a point. I am just venting.

Well I guess I am done venting for now. TTFN ~J

01-04-2013 New Year - New Beginnings

I am not clever with names so I am just gonna post dates for the titles. It will probably make things so much easier in the long run. At least until I go back and change/add to them.

Well, I have not written in a long time and I know I really needed someplace to get my thoughts out (other than my poetry and where anyone can see it). If it's read, great and if not, oh well.... At least I got it out there.

For my first post in a LONG TIME here goes.....

January 2007 - I decided that I wanted to do something random and crazy and stupid and fun so I had signed up to do something not only all of the above mentioned but also for a good cause. I signed up to do a charity event. Oh and yeah, I did it by myself.... Anyone who knows me knows that being by myself in a LARGE group of people where I know pretty much no one is a bad thing. I have severe panic attacks. Damn anxiety.... (ok, getting off topic...)

There I was leaning against a wall, writing pad in one hand, pencil in another when I look over and see him. This adorably goofy (yes he was really cute) guy surrounded by like 10-15 people takes his pants off (I don't remember if he pulled them off or if they were tear away). Underneath is a green camo-colored speedo. He is also wearing a camo jacket and helmet. He is smiling and everyone around him is laughing.

I was smitten. This guy was cute and funny and had a way with people. I wanted to get to know him. Did I say anything to him? Nope, I am a total wuss.....

Yada yada yada... flash to present day (6 yrs later) and not only have I (within seeing him in recent years) spoken to him but I have also become friendly with him. I can literally see him someplace and he says hello to me! He is STILL totally adorable (even if he doesn't think he is) and I am so happy to say that I knew him before he was such a big deal and I liked him even then.

Difference now is that even though I do like him (a lot) I know nothing will ever happen between us. Am I ok with this? Doesn't matter. I have excepted it. I have excepted the fact that I believe that I screwed up and am not going to find that [supposed] one true love. I am not going to find that [supposed] one person whom I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I can safely ogle this guy and be in awe of who he is and know sort of who he really is.

The only thing I wish I could change is that I would like to be more of a friend to him. I want to be someone he can call a friend (not friendly, not acquaintance, not crazy stalker chick). I want to be there if he wants to call. I want to have inside jokes with him (well, he and another friend of ours kind of have one even if he doesn't remember it....) and I want him to know that he can talk to me.

Do I get jealous? Sure, who wouldn't be envious of all the hot chicks he sees and gets to flirt with as part of his job? What do I want? I want him to know that if he needed a friend for anything, he can rely on me. I want him to know that I think he deserves the world and I wish I could help him see that he is so much better than what so many people think of him. I want him to know I don't want to be there because of what he does but because of who he is UNDERNEATH all of the flashy stuff. It was his aura, his magnetic personality, his way of making those around him laugh that drew me to him.

Will I ever tell him this? Probably not... Why? I am a wuss remember.....