I am not clever with names so I am just gonna post dates for the titles. It will probably make things so much easier in the long run. At least until I go back and change/add to them.
Well, I have not written in a long time and I know I really needed someplace to get my thoughts out (other than my poetry and where anyone can see it). If it's read, great and if not, oh well.... At least I got it out there.
For my first post in a LONG TIME here goes.....
January 2007 - I decided that I wanted to do something random and crazy and stupid and fun so I had signed up to do something not only all of the above mentioned but also for a good cause. I signed up to do a charity event. Oh and yeah, I did it by myself.... Anyone who knows me knows that being by myself in a LARGE group of people where I know pretty much no one is a bad thing. I have severe panic attacks. Damn anxiety.... (ok, getting off topic...)
There I was leaning against a wall, writing pad in one hand, pencil in another when I look over and see him. This adorably goofy (yes he was really cute) guy surrounded by like 10-15 people takes his pants off (I don't remember if he pulled them off or if they were tear away). Underneath is a green camo-colored speedo. He is also wearing a camo jacket and helmet. He is smiling and everyone around him is laughing.
I was smitten. This guy was cute and funny and had a way with people. I wanted to get to know him. Did I say anything to him? Nope, I am a total wuss.....
Yada yada yada... flash to present day (6 yrs later) and not only have I (within seeing him in recent years) spoken to him but I have also become friendly with him. I can literally see him someplace and he says hello to me! He is STILL totally adorable (even if he doesn't think he is) and I am so happy to say that I knew him before he was such a big deal and I liked him even then.
Difference now is that even though I do like him (a lot) I know nothing will ever happen between us. Am I ok with this? Doesn't matter. I have excepted it. I have excepted the fact that I believe that I screwed up and am not going to find that [supposed] one true love. I am not going to find that [supposed] one person whom I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I can safely ogle this guy and be in awe of who he is and know sort of who he really is.
The only thing I wish I could change is that I would like to be more of a friend to him. I want to be someone he can call a friend (not friendly, not acquaintance, not crazy stalker chick). I want to be there if he wants to call. I want to have inside jokes with him (well, he and another friend of ours kind of have one even if he doesn't remember it....) and I want him to know that he can talk to me.
Do I get jealous? Sure, who wouldn't be envious of all the hot chicks he sees and gets to flirt with as part of his job? What do I want? I want him to know that if he needed a friend for anything, he can rely on me. I want him to know that I think he deserves the world and I wish I could help him see that he is so much better than what so many people think of him. I want him to know I don't want to be there because of what he does but because of who he is UNDERNEATH all of the flashy stuff. It was his aura, his magnetic personality, his way of making those around him laugh that drew me to him.
Will I ever tell him this? Probably not... Why? I am a wuss remember.....
