Why bother speaking?

I once was asked why I don't really talk too much about myself.  Yes I do actually talk about myself but not as much as you might think.  I will tell everyone the same things over and over again.  Certain things I won't tell anyone.  It's just the way I am.  I mean, how many people can honestly say they REALLY know me?  No one really can.  For example:  I can't think of 1 person who could name my favorite book.  If you can find someone, let me know.  (It's not as easy as you think...)
  
Why is this?  Because I don't see the point in getting that close to people.  I think I might be cursed.  Every time I find someone that I would consider anywhere close to being my "best friend" (this does not include my brother and sister-in-law who are by default my best friends because they are the closest I have), they leave. 

My most recent best friend currently hates me and refuses to speak to me.  I know part of it is my fault.  It just sucks because I opened up to him.  Let me explain; it's not the fact that I opened up to him, it's the fact that every single person I actually REALLY open up to disappears.  I don't know if they freak out or something or just get annoyed with me.  I just tend to find these people (obviously not the right ones apparently) and stick to them, opening up about me, the real me. 

Do I scare them off?  Do they think I am some sort of mental case?  Honestly I think I will just stick to talking to my therapist about the deeper stuff.  That's what I pay her for.  I found it hysterical that at the end of our session last week she actually thanked me for opening up to her. 

I don't know.  Maybe I am just in a funk.... It happens from time to time... I am stuck in a rain cloud that won't go away.  Maybe I am just living in a world (my mind) where I am just waiting for the sun to come out. 

It's not all bad though.  At least I have my cat and my family and my friends (who kind of know me but not as well as they may think...).  At least I have something to cling to, something to look forward to....

Who knows.... Maybe I will eventually find someone to share the real, whole me with.... Who can even answer correctly when I ask what my favorite book is.....

Moving sucks

I hate moving... I had never moved before 2006 and since then I am moving for the 5th time.  Come on?!?!? This sucks!  Moving is hard work.

You never realize how much crap you have until you have to move.  Thankfully I keep moving in the same area.  The best part about this move is that there is more than just 2 people doing it.  Yep, every time I have moved so far there has been 2 people doing the move.  The first time I had a prior commitment and my brother and sister-in-law moved all my stuff (I still feel bad about that but thank them dearly for it).  Every other time since then it has been me and a friend.  This time I actually suckered a few friends into helping me so *fingers crossed* it should go a little quicker. 

I have already agreed to get pizza and soda for everyone who is helping me as a thank you.  :)   I just have to remember no pepperoni for Andrew... Maybe a large pepperoni and a large cheese pizza from Wally-world that I can throw in the oven so we can eat once everything is moved in.  Now to find out about drinks...

Man I hate moving... Thankfully I have awesome friends who are dumb crazy enough to offer to help me.  :)

everyone leaves

Somehow or another every single person you will ever meet will leave you.  Some not by choice, others choose to walk away.  Regardless or the reason, it never fails.

Right now, I can't help but focus on the ones that choose to leave.  I have actually told friends not to tell me that they would never leave because everyone leaves eventually.  I have had more than a few friends that said they would always be there.  In the end, I was always alone when I needed them.

I stopped expecting anything from people.  Not having expectations makes it harder for people to let you down. So why is it that I have no expectations yet I am still always getting hurt?  It makes no sense to me.  Am I that difficult of a person to be friends with?  Do I put too much pressure on the people that I am friends with? I didn't think that I asked too much of people so why is it that I always seem to lose those closest to me?

I pushed away my most recent "closest" friend.  He tried to tell me how he felt and I didn't understand.  I tried to but I couldn't.  Then instead of taking the time to listen to him and understand where he was coming from, I questioned him.  I questioned his friendship and pushed him away.

I tried to apologize but the damage was done.  I know I could have handled it better but I wasn't the only one in the wrong.  He wouldn't listen to me in the end.  I tried to explain, I tried to talk to him.

Now the one person I want to talk to won't talk to me.  I feel so alone even though I know I am not alone.  I know I have people who will listen.  It's nothing against them but the one person I want to talk to right now isn't there anymore.

I feel so alone and the one person who always made me feel better when I felt this way won't listen.  We still have mutual friends and I even considered trying to ask them if he was ok.  Thankfully I did talk myself out of it.  What if he is happier now that we aren't friends anymore?  What if he has moved on?  I know these questions are better left unanswered but I still wonder.  I still wonder where we would be today if we were still friends....

Instead it is just more proof that everyone leaves me in the end...

Rambling...

I have these crazy dreams that one day you and I will meet again.  That one day we will speak again.  That one day you won't hate me anymore.

Only I know it's only a dream.  I know we will never be friends again.  I know you will never be there for me again and it hurts.  It hurts that I let you down and I let myself down.

It hurts knowing that I messed up a good friendship.  But why?  Part of me wants to believe you were secretly looking for a way out.  Part of me wants to believe you wanted an excuse to say goodbye.  Part of me wants to believe that no matter what I would have said, it still would have been wrong.

But still part of me wonders.... Part of me wonders what you really meant.  Part of me wonders what you really wanted to say.  What didn't you tell me?  What couldn't you say?

It's been weeks.  I know I shouldn't still be thinking about this.  Why am I then?  What keeps me coming back to this?  Honestly, I don't know if it even really matters anymore.  It's not like you will ever speak to me again.  You have probably moved on with your life.

So why then can't I move on with mine?

decisions, decisions....

So on a lighter note today.....

I heard this AWESOME song on the radio yesterday and totally fell in love with it.  It's called "Not Strong Enough" and it's by a band called Apocalyptica.  They are a band that does a lot of orchestra type stuff and they have different singers perform their songs. 

The version I heard was this:

This version is sung by Brent Smith from Shinedown.  I love his voice.  I think it fits really well with the song....

I wanted to post this song on my facebook page but when I went to youtube I found this version:

Why is Doug Robb from Hoobastank (another great band) singing the song now?!?!?! 

Why do artists do this?  I bought the Shaman CD by Santana a while ago and heard "Why Don't You & I" and loved the song.  On the CD it was sung by Chad Kroeger of Nickelback but when they released it on the radio it was sung by Alex Band of The Calling. 

Don't get me wrong, I like The Calling and I loved his version of the song as well.  I just don't understand why artists do this?  Why even release a song with 1 person singing if you are just gonna re-release with another person doing it.  I don't like it... :(

I could be totally wrong... What do you think?  Which version do you like better?


**Ok, so after some reading, I found this on wikipedia:

"Due to distribution rights on [Brent] Smith's vocals, "Not Strong Enough" was re-recorded with Doug Robb of Hoobastank before being released to US radio on January 18, 2011."

I still think that if there is going to be an issue then why was it released at all?   :(   

If even just 1 person gets something out of this....

The other day I was talking to my sister-in-law.  We were talking about how I think my blogging about my depression and my life and whatever else is sort of a form of therapy for me.  I said if even 1 person gets something from what I write then I will continue doing it.  I figured if even 1 person can benefit from knowing that they are not alone then it's worth continuing.

That night I got an email from a friend of mine on facebook thanking me for sharing.  This friend told me that I inspired them and they just wanted to know if it got easier.  Honestly, sometimes it takes a long time but it does get easier eventually.  It did for me.  It took me years of struggling with myself.  It took me years of trying to figure out who my real friends were.  It took me a long time to realize that it was a sickness that I had to live with for the rest of my life and it was ok.  I wasn't a freak with some weird disease.   I was a person fighting to get better. 

It's not easy to talk about all the time but it is something that sometimes needs to be said.  DEPRESSIONS SUCKS!!!!! Some people can't handle it, others can't handle seeing someone with it.... As I previously posted: [To me] admitting you have a problem and asking for help is very hard.  For me, it was the hardest part. 

I used to be friends with someone who fought very hard with depression.  I told her that she needed to talk to her mom about it because I could not be her support system.  I couldn't handle it.  She took the step and told her mom but never went further with it.  She felt better saying she had a problem but she never took another step during the rest of our friendship.  She still asked me for advice and help.  We lost touch years ago and she eventually moved away.  Hopefully she found the help she needed.  I just couldn't be it. 

Often times people focus on 1 thing.  That can help in the short-term.  Unfortunately, becoming dependant on that one thing can cause stress and strain.  One of my former therapist (and most of my Psychiatrists) agreed that an entire support system needed to be set up. 

Alcoholics have AA.  Drug users have NA.  People with depression do have support groups they can check out.  They have both online chat groups and groups all over that meet. I googled "depression support groups" and got "About 5,840,000 results (0.12 seconds)" results. I saw this one: http://www.nmha.org/go/find_support_group which has all sorts of resources to finding groups for people with depression. I bet if I was more specific and put the area I live in I could find more groups.  The point is that there is help out there.  You just have to be willing to look.

Today I have my 1st appointment with a new Psychiatrist.  She specializes in medication management but her practice also has counselors and other resources.  Today I am taking my 1st step to getting back to feeling better.

 

the 1st step is the hardest....

So after yesterday's post, I have decided to explore my depression more.  I am not doing this to boast or brag or ask for special treatment.  I am doing this because it is a form of therapy.  Who knows? Maybe someone out there will read something I write about depression and know they aren't alone.  Depression is a serious issue and can not be ignored. 

****Warning, this blog gets a little "dark" towards the end****

Ok, so yesterday I blogged that a) I am depressed (duh), b) I am currently not on my medication (which will be fixed very soon), c) I know I am loved and supported, and d) I just ask for understanding and a little patience.

One of the hardest things about my depression is that I tend to push people away when I get this way.  I've already pushed one person away and I miss that person dearly.  I don't want to make that mistake again.

I also want to state that depression is different in everyone.  Just like no 2 people are exactly the same, no 2 forms of depression are exactly the same. 

Mine is a chemical imbalance.  Something in my brain doesn't balance out or something, I don't get it, and I need my medicine to help balance what I am missing or whatever it is that causes my brain to go "wonky."  So when I don't have my meds, I'm not a great person to be around... Now, usually it does take a few days of me not taking my meds to notice anything.  One things that happens, I get BAD headaches (some of my friends will know that this happened recently). Mood swings? Check.  Outbursts? Check.  Crying Fits?  Check, check, check.  Feelings of inadequacy?  There aren't enough checks to go with this one....
  

If you are someone who feels inadequate just know that you are NOT ALONE. According to a study, Maryland was in the top 5 states when it came to people with depression and was ranked 8th in suicides.  Now, I am not saying anyone in Maryland who is despressed should go and move to Utah (ranked 51st on the depression scale).  I am saying that if we recognize symptoms and take at least the 1st step (admitting there is something wrong) then we can get help. (For the full article: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/state-ranking)

Now for the "dark" part: 

I was 15 when I blacked out and woke up with cuts on my arms and legs.  I had been cutting myself a little before that but never blacked out to where I couldn't remember.  I am not kidding.  It was nothing that would seriously injure me, it was a cry for help.

This "blackout" scared me so much that I went to my school counselor and told her how scared I was.   After that, I started my road to recovery.  I took the FIRST step and admitted I needed help.  My parents, who had NO idea that I had a problem before this, got me help.  I was lucky that I had such an understanding family.  Ok, so not everyone understood but everyone supported me the best way they knew how to.  My parents, my brother, my friends (the close ones who knew I had problems) all stood by and helped me however they could and I got that help I needed.  I started counseling, I got tested for depression (see the "blah blah blah" post) and I got help.

Not everyone has it this way though... not everyone has people who are as understanding as I had... and not everyone feels like they have someone they can turn to when they need help.  

Why am I writing all of this?  Well, mostly I want others who are depressed (and scared or feel like they don't have anyone to help them) to know that they are NOT alone.  I have been there. There is NOTHING wrong with you.  Everyone goes through some sort of depression at some point in their life.  Life is not easy, it just is... How we choose to live our life makes us who we are.... How will you live yours?

April Fools!

I am not a fan of April Fools Day.  I never have been.  Probably because I was always the butt of the jokes growing up.

I do however like to hear some of the better jokes.  :)

So far I have heard a few.  For example: (and NO real names are used)

- My friend April posted on her facebook that her boss called her this morning.  He said "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that your working conditions will improve greatly.  The bad news is that it will be a while as our building burnt down this morning."  (this was especially funny because they have been out of work for the past 2 days because thier building flooded.)

- My friend Jeff got a call from his best friend this morning who recently gave birth a few weeks ago.  She told him that a 3rd was on the way.  (She had a baby like 4 wks ago too...)

I have already had 2 friends post pics of an ultrasound on their facebook saying "Guess what?!?" (or something that that extent).  One friend's relationship status suddenly went from "single" to "engaged" (yeah sure)

What is your best April Fools Day prank?