the 1st step is the hardest....

So after yesterday's post, I have decided to explore my depression more.  I am not doing this to boast or brag or ask for special treatment.  I am doing this because it is a form of therapy.  Who knows? Maybe someone out there will read something I write about depression and know they aren't alone.  Depression is a serious issue and can not be ignored. 

****Warning, this blog gets a little "dark" towards the end****

Ok, so yesterday I blogged that a) I am depressed (duh), b) I am currently not on my medication (which will be fixed very soon), c) I know I am loved and supported, and d) I just ask for understanding and a little patience.

One of the hardest things about my depression is that I tend to push people away when I get this way.  I've already pushed one person away and I miss that person dearly.  I don't want to make that mistake again.

I also want to state that depression is different in everyone.  Just like no 2 people are exactly the same, no 2 forms of depression are exactly the same. 

Mine is a chemical imbalance.  Something in my brain doesn't balance out or something, I don't get it, and I need my medicine to help balance what I am missing or whatever it is that causes my brain to go "wonky."  So when I don't have my meds, I'm not a great person to be around... Now, usually it does take a few days of me not taking my meds to notice anything.  One things that happens, I get BAD headaches (some of my friends will know that this happened recently). Mood swings? Check.  Outbursts? Check.  Crying Fits?  Check, check, check.  Feelings of inadequacy?  There aren't enough checks to go with this one....
  

If you are someone who feels inadequate just know that you are NOT ALONE. According to a study, Maryland was in the top 5 states when it came to people with depression and was ranked 8th in suicides.  Now, I am not saying anyone in Maryland who is despressed should go and move to Utah (ranked 51st on the depression scale).  I am saying that if we recognize symptoms and take at least the 1st step (admitting there is something wrong) then we can get help. (For the full article: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/state-ranking)

Now for the "dark" part: 

I was 15 when I blacked out and woke up with cuts on my arms and legs.  I had been cutting myself a little before that but never blacked out to where I couldn't remember.  I am not kidding.  It was nothing that would seriously injure me, it was a cry for help.

This "blackout" scared me so much that I went to my school counselor and told her how scared I was.   After that, I started my road to recovery.  I took the FIRST step and admitted I needed help.  My parents, who had NO idea that I had a problem before this, got me help.  I was lucky that I had such an understanding family.  Ok, so not everyone understood but everyone supported me the best way they knew how to.  My parents, my brother, my friends (the close ones who knew I had problems) all stood by and helped me however they could and I got that help I needed.  I started counseling, I got tested for depression (see the "blah blah blah" post) and I got help.

Not everyone has it this way though... not everyone has people who are as understanding as I had... and not everyone feels like they have someone they can turn to when they need help.  

Why am I writing all of this?  Well, mostly I want others who are depressed (and scared or feel like they don't have anyone to help them) to know that they are NOT alone.  I have been there. There is NOTHING wrong with you.  Everyone goes through some sort of depression at some point in their life.  Life is not easy, it just is... How we choose to live our life makes us who we are.... How will you live yours?