Right now, I can't help but focus on the ones that choose to leave. I have actually told friends not to tell me that they would never leave because everyone leaves eventually. I have had more than a few friends that said they would always be there. In the end, I was always alone when I needed them.
I stopped expecting anything from people. Not having expectations makes it harder for people to let you down. So why is it that I have no expectations yet I am still always getting hurt? It makes no sense to me. Am I that difficult of a person to be friends with? Do I put too much pressure on the people that I am friends with? I didn't think that I asked too much of people so why is it that I always seem to lose those closest to me?
I pushed away my most recent "closest" friend. He tried to tell me how he felt and I didn't understand. I tried to but I couldn't. Then instead of taking the time to listen to him and understand where he was coming from, I questioned him. I questioned his friendship and pushed him away.
Now the one person I want to talk to won't talk to me. I feel so alone even though I know I am not alone. I know I have people who will listen. It's nothing against them but the one person I want to talk to right now isn't there anymore.
I feel so alone and the one person who always made me feel better when I felt this way won't listen. We still have mutual friends and I even considered trying to ask them if he was ok. Thankfully I did talk myself out of it. What if he is happier now that we aren't friends anymore? What if he has moved on? I know these questions are better left unanswered but I still wonder. I still wonder where we would be today if we were still friends....
Instead it is just more proof that everyone leaves me in the end...
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