Apologies

Did you do this on purpose? Did you wait for the opportunity to come along so you could turn it around back around on me? Are you glad that now you have made it look like it's my fault?

Guess what.... I f***ed up.  I know that, I can admit that.  Unfortunately, you don't want to listen.  Hence, not totally my fault anymore....

Look, I am not trying to lay blame on anyone.  I just wish you would talk to me about this.  We are adults... can't we act like it?

How many times/ways do I have to say that I am sorry for over-reacting yesterday morning? Did you even read my apology?

Part of me wants to say "whatever, I won't deal with this" and part of me wants to say "Can't we find a way to be friends?"

Guess you have made my decision for me.  Again, I am sorry.....

This is me....

Just a few things about me either you never wanted to know or probably will be too afraid to admit you know now.... we shall see:

I am a walking oxymoron.

I love more than I feel loved.

I am scared to fall in love because I don't think it will be reciprocated.

I thought I found the one I wanted to be with "forever" and then he did one of the worst things I never knew was possible, he used his words (not his actions) to kill my spirit... His words still haunt me years later.

I keep finding guys who bring and keep me down, yet I don't know what else to do.

As often as I say "I am never getting married" or "I am never having kids" secretly I want to find someone who will prove me wrong... (preferably the marriage one first but I will take what I can get)

I want to be happy but don't feel as though I deserve it...

I have made so many mistakes, I don't feel like I am a good person but I still strive everyday to try and be better even though I don't think I deserve it...

I have severe (at least I think it is) depression.  I try not to use it as a crutch but some days it's too hard and that is just too good of an excuse.

I hate excuses but sometimes they make things easier to deal with....

When I say "i'm fine" I want someone who can/will look me in the eye and call me a liar.

I am sick of crying myself to sleep at night and waking up just to pretend I am ok...

I am scared each and everyday that I will do something stupid that will hurt either me or someone I care about and that is my BIGGEST fear (hurting someone else unintentionally).

I push people away I care about because I don't want to hurt them... I don't want to drag them down with who I am and what I deal with.

I feel as though I am a terrible friend so I push people away in the hopes that I don't have the chance to really hurt them.

My mind is a sad, scary place and I hope no one ever has to see it.... EVER (I mean it)

I don't like to bring people down with my problems but some days I just wish someone would call and say "let's do (this or that) for no reason, just to get out"...

I am scared to call anyone and say that to them because I don't want to hear "sorry, I have other plans (with (whomever)).

As I write this, I wonder if I will actually post this and if I do, who will read it or how long I will let it be there....


(After I posted this I started thinking.  Instead of adding to what I already wrote, I thought of some of stuff and decided to add it to the bottom)

I wonder how many people are going to call me and try to get me to do stuff I have little to no interest in doing...

One of my best friends calls me Eeyore.  I am not particularly fond of this nickname but in the past few weeks this has fit me so well so I don't complain.  Just know I am not always "debbie downer" I actually can be a very happy person.  Damn depression.  :(  (ok, I know, another excuse but sometimes, it's the truth...)

(Maybe I should start another blog but oh well.... a few more and some of these are positive and/or funny)

I will probably at some point say something bad about you, i will almost instantly feel bad.  Exceptions to this: The more someone annoys me, the longer it takes before I feel bad.... there are very few people I no longer feel bad saying things about. (these are more or less people I no longer talk to...)

I tend to have "crushes" on people I KNOW I will never go after.  I will ogle a good looking person until I am blue in the face but I will never actively seek a relationship... (see above about falling in love)

I currently have 2 "crushes": Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park and Alexander Skarsgard (Eric from True Blood).  I know I will never meet them so I can ogle comfortably.  :) 

Writer's Block is the devil... I used to love to write, I used to be able to write until cows turned blue... now, it takes me forever just to get thoughts straight...

I used to want to be a writer but am afraid of failing (see previous comment)

I use ... WAY too much but it's kinda fun... :p

I hate the term "best friend" but I use it because I don't know how else to classify a few special friends I have.  I also have classifications of "closest friend(s)," "good friend(s)," and "acquaintance" to go with just plain friend.  I can distinguish between all of them, but don't ask me to explain, I won't be able to put it in words.

I hate asking for help, I don't want to burden anyone with my "feelings" or "insecurities" so other than the occasional rant, you probably won't see the "vulnerable" side of me unless you hit the "best friend" or "closest friend" category which is not easy to do....

I do not know what a real "date" actually is because I have never just "dated" a person.  I have been single too long that I don't know how to be in a relationship.

I currently don't want to be in a relationship (head screwey right now so not good idea....)

"get over it" is not an acceptable response to whining.  I will not use it and I hate hearing it.  (Exception to the rule: if you have been dealing with something to the point where you are "milking it" then I will say "get over it")

I have no shame when it comes to asking certain questions.  I asked a freind once what happened to their lip (it looked like they bit it but they cut it shaving - apparently no one else had to guts to ask. Maybe they thought it was a cold sore)

I don't want to go back to my childhood.  I was WAY more insecure as a kid.  I just hid it A LOT better. 

I wonder how many people will read this and mentally pull out all the grammatical and/or spelling errors...

I wonder how many of them can ignore the constant ...

I wonder if I will ever get my train of throught straight.... (I keep forgetsting what I was gonna write... at least I feel better from this morning so that's a bonus)

I constantly talk funny.  Confuzzled is one of my favorite words.  I also like fustrated and forgetsting - Thanks Mom.)

This is getting WAY too long so now I gonna end it.  Anymore thoughts I will just add on later.  :p

Jim Henson will always be one of my heroes!

Growing up I had many toys, movies, etc. whenever I wanted but most of my favorites all were connected to Jim Henson somehow.  :)

I mean who (around the age of 30) hasn't seen Labrynth, Fraggle Rock, Dark Crystal or Sesame Street?  Did you ever watch the Muppet Hour? I did!!!

I used to come home from school and run to the TV to watch Fraggle Rock... The Doozers, Trash Heap, Sprocket, The Fraggles themselves, the Gorgs.  Ah, I miss the Fraggles.....

and my parents thought Sesame Street was so entertaining.  I mean, heck, it's still on today!!! 

Oh and The Muppet Show?  and the Muppet Movies? Who didn't love those cranky old men in the balcony?

Of course, you can't forget the movies either.  Labrynth is still one of my favorites today and I watch it all the time.

Yeah, Jim Henson was an intrigal part of growing up.  Whenever I start thinking of my childhood I like remembering Jim Henson and his brilliance.  I know his company is still around today creating great new things but I will always remember Kermit singing "It's Not Easy Being Green"

"My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here" ~ Jim Henson

Man, I hope this day doesn't get any worse....

Yeah, today has SUCKED royally and it's not even over yet.

Got woken up at 4:40 am by my roommate's alarm clock.  She doesn't quite realize that LOUD COUNTRY MUSIC playing can wake others up in the same place.... Sorry, could not tune it out.  :(

Got to work later than I wanted to because I couldn't get out of bed.  Wanted those extra few minutes... since there is only two of us in the office today it was nice and quiet.  Made a few mistakes in the system and had to contact our system support. 

Apparently when promising someone that something will be sent out THAT DAY via overnight does not always make sense to them so I got a call asking if I dropped my overnight stuff off in time for it to go out... Um, the box doesn't pick up until 5:30 and they are calling before 2pm.  (It's not even 4 as I am writing this, HELLO?!?!?!) Whatever.... At least I was told that I was dependable. 

Ran to the bank after finishing errands for boss and was told "Oh, you have a -$.50 balance in your account."  Thanks for the reminder that I am broke, just put the f*%&ing check in the bank for me. Thanks, buh-bye.  Grrrrr. Why do people tend to point out crap like that?!?!?! (I know I am a loser who is broke all the time and lives check to check just to makes ends meet, thanks.)

Then I decide I am starving (I have been going to lunch late 3 of the 4 days so far this week, what else is new, I am going again late today....) so I want to run and grab something quick and easy so I went to McDonald's

WAIT FOR IT........

Yep, the order got SCREWED UP!!!! I order a meal and 1 extra sandwich.  Got the meal, where was the extra sandwich?  So I call them up because I have had it (the past 5 times I have gone to McD's my order has been screwed up... the last 3 have been MISSING things.... I thought THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO CHECK THE BAGS BEFORE HANDING THEM TO THE CUSTOMER?!?!?!?!  Apparently not...)

Yeah, I am LIVID, so I call up the place and the line is busy.  Shouldn't be surprised there because McDonalds seems to be continually screwing up all the time so of course people would be calling and complaing but it still annoyed me.... finally I get through to the lady and she tells me "all we can do is replace it for you next time."  Excuse me?  Oh boy.... I almost lost it... (At least she didn't tell me "oh yeah, it's sitting right here" like I got the time before.) So I try and say as calmly as possible (which is by all means no easy feat for me) "How is it that the last few times I have gone to a McDonalds (yes, this is a different one then the last 2 time) you can't seem to get the order right?" 

*They have screens to make sure the order is right....
*The order is right on the screen....
*They are supposed to check the bag (at least once) before handing it to the customer

WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE COLORFUL IS THERE A PART OF THE ORDER THAT IS MISSING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I don't get it....

She again tells me all she can do is replace my meal next time I come in.  Fine, whatever, I say I will come in another day... (maybe...)

Then I call my sister-in-law because when I get this mad she is ONE OF THE ONLY people who can calm me down... (There is one other but couldn't call them) I proceed to tell her I wanna cry because my day has sucked so far and I explain everything that has happened... She is great, I calm down (eventually).

Ok, back into work.  I tell my co-worker that I am never going to McDonalds again and she laughs and says "yeah right" then I tell her that they AGAIN screwed up my order... Her response: "Well, you order weird stuff. Like no this or no that" (ok.....).  So I say "Yeah, but how the hell do they forget an entire piece of an order?!?!? Don't they check the bags?  Ok, got her on that one.  Still peeved about it though... (Come on, sometimes all a girl wants is a little support... am i wrong?)

Grumble... Gonna cry again so I text my sister-in-law and whoops... accidentally sent it to my co-worker... CRAP!!! Ran to her office and told her I accidentally sent her a message that I meant to send to my sister-in-law... Then I do text her and say tell her I wanna cry again.  She asks why and I say I am gonna send her an email and explain....

Thankfully the email went to the right person....

Now I am sitting here at my desk trying to calm down because if I am lucky I will be out of work at a decent, reasonable hour tonight (if I can ever calm down from being upset then being a dumbass....) 

Yeah, I know things could be worse but man do I pray that they don't get any worse today... I don't think I can take it.  Too many little things going wrong for me today.  :(

Anti-Valentine's Day

So for anyone who actually knows me knows I HATE valentine's day.  Why?  No, it't not because I have been single the past (I don't want to remember how many but I do) years... I just can't stand it because I feel as if it's just a dumb excuse for people to take that "extra step" to show you care.  Guess what?  If you can't do that any other day of the year than don't f*ing bother!  Why should 1 day be set aside for couples to get all extra ushy-gushy?

No, this is NOT a recent thing either.  I have hated Valentine's Day since I was a kid!  I was one of those kids that got the pity valentine's half the time because all of the kids in elementary school HAD to give all of the other kids a valentine.  I would wake up and get candy from my parents and a mushy card.  Woo hoo! Another reason to pig-out and eat sugar.... FML.  Wow, don't care.  If I want to eat sugar, I will do it any damn day of the year. 

If I am ever in a relationship on Valentine's Day, I don't want my significant other to get my roses/candy/a stuffed animal/whatever today because it's Valentine's Day.  I want them to get me that stuff with a note that says "just because you are you" (or some other stupidly sweet thing) because that is what people who care do.  They don't go above and beyond one freaking day of the year (ok maybe two if you include the anniversary). 

Seriously.  I am not kidding.  My parents were never really romantic (at least not that I saw).  My mom used to pick my dad's back-ne (sorry to spill your secret ma if you are reading this) in the kitchen and that to them was something that said "I care" as disgusting as that mental picture is.  

Sorry to of you that are totally grossed out now... No really.... if you don't believe me, I got another example.  The last time I had a s.o. on v-day, he did the whole red rose petals, red box of candy, yada-yada-yada... guess what? I can't stand the color red.  I am red-deficient color blind and have trouble with the color red so the LAST thing I want to do is deal with a crappy color I can't even see..... Thanks!  It's like giving someone who can't see green a bunch of shamrocks on St. Patty's day.  "WTF do I do with this shit?"  No thanks, pass, uh uh... see ya.  I want the black or blue or purple or whatever NON-RED colors out there.  (ok, preferably the darker ones cause ya know I like the dark colors...)

Ok, I think I have proven my point, I don't do v-day. So to anyone who wants to send me v-day wishes I say "thanks and bah humbug" and just go on with my day cause I don't care....

~Just Me

P.S. Thank you Hallmark for reminding me that I am single and if I ever do meet Cupid I am shooting that bastard with one of his own arrows...

wandering

My mind wanders...
I can't stop thinking.
Every little thing distracts me from what I should be doing.
Instead I think of what I want to be doing.

I want to talk to you,
I want to laugh with you.
I want to understand and be understood.

I know it is doomed from the start,
It always is
But I want to know more, 
I want to share more.

I always do this,
I find something nice, sweet, good, positive and I twist it.
I make it out to fail before it begins. 
I am so scared of it happening again and again,
I force it to fail before it starts.

I ask for nothing and expect nothing.
It's easier that way
But for once can I just maybe get something from it?

10/29/10
~J.P. Brockman

Dear Aunt Pelta

I still can't believe you are gone.  I miss you so much. I wish I would have tried harder to come out to Arizona to see you.  Now I will never get the chance.  You will always live on as a wonderful Aunt that I loved dearly and will miss everyday. 
Love, your niece,
P.S. Cancer sucks!

I lost my Aunt Paula this past Friday night.  I was told Saturday when I called my mom to make sure she got to Arizona ok.  She told me my Aunt passed away the night before and could barely speak beyond that other to tell me that everyone sends their love and she had to go. 
She left behind a loving husband, a daughter, a son, 2 sons-in-law, 4 grandkids, 2 sisters, many friends, etc, all who loved and adored her beyond words. 
It still hurts and it will hurt for a long time but to me, I believe she is no longer in pain and she is in a better place. 
Do I want to talk about it? Not really.  Do I appreciate any sympathies and such people send my way?  Yes. 
I feel like I was never the best niece I could be and that is hard but I loved her dearly and I hope she knew that. 

R.I.P. Aunt Pelta.  I love you!