This is me....

Just a few things about me either you never wanted to know or probably will be too afraid to admit you know now.... we shall see:

I am a walking oxymoron.

I love more than I feel loved.

I am scared to fall in love because I don't think it will be reciprocated.

I thought I found the one I wanted to be with "forever" and then he did one of the worst things I never knew was possible, he used his words (not his actions) to kill my spirit... His words still haunt me years later.

I keep finding guys who bring and keep me down, yet I don't know what else to do.

As often as I say "I am never getting married" or "I am never having kids" secretly I want to find someone who will prove me wrong... (preferably the marriage one first but I will take what I can get)

I want to be happy but don't feel as though I deserve it...

I have made so many mistakes, I don't feel like I am a good person but I still strive everyday to try and be better even though I don't think I deserve it...

I have severe (at least I think it is) depression.  I try not to use it as a crutch but some days it's too hard and that is just too good of an excuse.

I hate excuses but sometimes they make things easier to deal with....

When I say "i'm fine" I want someone who can/will look me in the eye and call me a liar.

I am sick of crying myself to sleep at night and waking up just to pretend I am ok...

I am scared each and everyday that I will do something stupid that will hurt either me or someone I care about and that is my BIGGEST fear (hurting someone else unintentionally).

I push people away I care about because I don't want to hurt them... I don't want to drag them down with who I am and what I deal with.

I feel as though I am a terrible friend so I push people away in the hopes that I don't have the chance to really hurt them.

My mind is a sad, scary place and I hope no one ever has to see it.... EVER (I mean it)

I don't like to bring people down with my problems but some days I just wish someone would call and say "let's do (this or that) for no reason, just to get out"...

I am scared to call anyone and say that to them because I don't want to hear "sorry, I have other plans (with (whomever)).

As I write this, I wonder if I will actually post this and if I do, who will read it or how long I will let it be there....


(After I posted this I started thinking.  Instead of adding to what I already wrote, I thought of some of stuff and decided to add it to the bottom)

I wonder how many people are going to call me and try to get me to do stuff I have little to no interest in doing...

One of my best friends calls me Eeyore.  I am not particularly fond of this nickname but in the past few weeks this has fit me so well so I don't complain.  Just know I am not always "debbie downer" I actually can be a very happy person.  Damn depression.  :(  (ok, I know, another excuse but sometimes, it's the truth...)

(Maybe I should start another blog but oh well.... a few more and some of these are positive and/or funny)

I will probably at some point say something bad about you, i will almost instantly feel bad.  Exceptions to this: The more someone annoys me, the longer it takes before I feel bad.... there are very few people I no longer feel bad saying things about. (these are more or less people I no longer talk to...)

I tend to have "crushes" on people I KNOW I will never go after.  I will ogle a good looking person until I am blue in the face but I will never actively seek a relationship... (see above about falling in love)

I currently have 2 "crushes": Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park and Alexander Skarsgard (Eric from True Blood).  I know I will never meet them so I can ogle comfortably.  :) 

Writer's Block is the devil... I used to love to write, I used to be able to write until cows turned blue... now, it takes me forever just to get thoughts straight...

I used to want to be a writer but am afraid of failing (see previous comment)

I use ... WAY too much but it's kinda fun... :p

I hate the term "best friend" but I use it because I don't know how else to classify a few special friends I have.  I also have classifications of "closest friend(s)," "good friend(s)," and "acquaintance" to go with just plain friend.  I can distinguish between all of them, but don't ask me to explain, I won't be able to put it in words.

I hate asking for help, I don't want to burden anyone with my "feelings" or "insecurities" so other than the occasional rant, you probably won't see the "vulnerable" side of me unless you hit the "best friend" or "closest friend" category which is not easy to do....

I do not know what a real "date" actually is because I have never just "dated" a person.  I have been single too long that I don't know how to be in a relationship.

I currently don't want to be in a relationship (head screwey right now so not good idea....)

"get over it" is not an acceptable response to whining.  I will not use it and I hate hearing it.  (Exception to the rule: if you have been dealing with something to the point where you are "milking it" then I will say "get over it")

I have no shame when it comes to asking certain questions.  I asked a freind once what happened to their lip (it looked like they bit it but they cut it shaving - apparently no one else had to guts to ask. Maybe they thought it was a cold sore)

I don't want to go back to my childhood.  I was WAY more insecure as a kid.  I just hid it A LOT better. 

I wonder how many people will read this and mentally pull out all the grammatical and/or spelling errors...

I wonder how many of them can ignore the constant ...

I wonder if I will ever get my train of throught straight.... (I keep forgetsting what I was gonna write... at least I feel better from this morning so that's a bonus)

I constantly talk funny.  Confuzzled is one of my favorite words.  I also like fustrated and forgetsting - Thanks Mom.)

This is getting WAY too long so now I gonna end it.  Anymore thoughts I will just add on later.  :p