Untitled today

(Yeah, I have no idea.... I just want to write something other than "who the heck reads this thing?")

So yesterday I had some fun with my site and was looking at the "stats" section.  Apparently people in other countries have "stumbled" upon my blog.  I wondered to myself how they came across it.... Who wants to read some dumb ramblings of one person with very little to say as of late?

Yeah, I know I have been ranting a lot lately but I am trying to be better.  I had someone who I considered a really close friend get very upset with me which led to him halting stopping/ceasing all contact with me.  Pretty much our friendship ended and it sucks and it hurts.  I miss talking to him terribly but I can't fault him for it.  He made a choice and I respect (even if I don't like it) his decision.  Yes there is SSSOOOOOOOOO much more to the story but it doesn't matter.  That is between he and I and telling my side will not change anything. 

Do I hate him? No, I don't.  I can't hate him because he helped me get through some tough times in the last few months.  I am just sorry that things ended the way they did.  For anyone who knows who I am talking about PLEASE don't think he is a bad person because he isn't.  If anyone who knows him (and is still friends with him) please don't think any less of him.  He is a very strong, smart, wonderful person that deserves the best.  He has been through so much and is still standing.  I don't know if I would be. 

Ok, so off to a new topic.  I know people can stumble across a page and if you are one of those people who have "stumbled" then hello!  As I said, I was looking at the stats of my blog and apparently I have had people from Singapore, Russia, Iran, Canada, Indonesia & China read my blog within the last month.  Of course people in the U.S. have too but that's kinda expected since hey, I live in the U.S.  Also, when I post a link on my facebook page, I have like 1 or 2 people read it through there....

So I have to ask if you are one of those people who does not know me personally and you have stumbled across my blog, how did ya find me?  Were you waiting for a page and they said "hey! check out this link!"  Did you read a post and think "Hey, this chick is TOTALLY crazy?"  (yes, I know I am, it's cool.) 

Regardless of how you found me, I hope I can at least entertain you a little bit (especially if you decide to come back and read my blog again)... Amusing others is something I enjoy doing.  It makes me feel better.  :)

I promise for anyone who actually reads this thing that I will try and be better about my posts.  I will try and not be so blah and depressing anymore (at least for a while).  I will try and post at least once a day (who knows, maybe even twice XD)...

Ok, back to work now.  :p

P.S. This song has been running through my head ALL day... I know, some people don't like Glee but if you just listen to the words you may get why it's a great song....

For those that don't want that one, here's two others that are inspiring to me right now:

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Ok, I am gonna write this whole post in green.  :) 

I don't know much about St. Patrick's day.  I am not Irish and I am not a big drinker but I have to ask; What is with the pinching?!?!? 

Sorry, I don't own green clothing.  Please don't pinch me.  Where did that tradition come from anyway?  I have a green charm on my bracelet, that's the best I can do.....

Sorry, not a beer drinker either.  (I know I am such a buzzkill)  I do drink Mountain Dew and that's green though so I guess I can say I am kind of in the spirit. 

All I ask if that my friends who are out there drinking at 8 a.m. (yes I know a few of them who are) please just drink responsibly.  I don't want to lose any of you on this day.  Have a great GREEN BEER DRINKING day and lots of fun to you.  See you tomorrow.

<3 to you all.  ~Me

More about me....

So the other day I posted a REALLY long list of random crap about me.... I actually had a lot of fun doing that and decided I wanted to do another one.  (Hope I don't repeat any of the old ones - sorry if I do...)

* I know I have some of the best friends and family out there.  They love and support me.  Unfortunately, I can't always tell them what is going on in my head either a) because I can't quite figure it out or b) I don't want to burden them.  Some people would not understand it and many might be afraid hence I bottle things up A LOT...

* When I get tired I have different stages of tired.  I have:
  (a) goofy-tired - this scares quite a few people because I get very silly. 
  (b) grouchy-tired - you really don't wanna see this one.
  (c) avoidance-tired - I look exhausted but won't go to sleep.
  I know I have more but can't think of them off the top of my head right now.....

* I have NEVER been a good sleeper.  I want to sleep but never really sleep well.  I had a doctor once tell me that I have "strange" sleep cycles because a normal person has a 90-minute sleep cycle but my cycle varies.  I can sleep 6 hours and only actually get 3 "good hours" of sleep. 

* I am constantly moving.  Even if it looks like I am still, I am probably moving my toes or something...

* I have a terribly short attention span.  If you want to write me a letter, keep the sentences short.  If you get "long-winded" I will get lost... 

* I have a reading disability.  I LOVE to read but don't always comprehend what I read.  Sometimes I will read things over and over again just to figure out what something means...

* I can't read well with background noise.  (for example: if a TV is on in the background I will either stop reading or leave the room.  The other noises distract me).

* Don't leave a tv on in front of me... My sister-in-law calls it "deer-in-headlight" stare.  I immediately stop and watch.  (this is really bad with reality tv)

* I can't stand reality tv.  I think it's crap, mindless, brainless stupidity and think people who get paid to be idiots on tv are even stupider than most.  (Yet I always stop to watch... dammit)

* I CONSTANTLY forget what words I want to use.  Sometimes it will take me forever to get my thoughts straight (sometimes because I can't think of the right word).  Occasionally I will think of a word in another language, it's kinda funny and fustrating at the same time...

*When I get mad my English vocabulary decreases... I may start yelling random words in other languages (including words that may not be real) at you or just out in general...

* I tell people I have "foot-in-mouth" syndrome because I have a habit of saying things wrong. I told a good friend of mine "if you were any older you could be old enough to be my mom" but what I meant to say was "We should just say we are sisters with a few years between us..."

* When I am mad and even music does not calm me down it usually means RUN AWAY VERY FAST... Time is the ONLY thing that will keep me from ripping a person apart.... (This happens rarely, don't worry)

* I believe I am funny in my own mind.  Unfortunately, it's never really quite as funny when it comes out... Hey, at least I can make myself giggle.  :)

* I love trivia. I play once a week (Thanks Lydia!)... I am pretty bad at it but it's fun so I don't care.  :)

* I am a closet "hermit."  I usually want to be alone but know that I can't be.  If I could work from home and never leave my house, I would seriously consider it.  (Especially if I lived with my brother and his family because I could still play with the kids everyday) My brother makes fun of me because I would "hybernate" in the basement when I lived with him.

* My cat thinks he is part dog. (Yes I tell people this all the time but it's totally true)  He LOVES to beg!  He also likes to try and tip your plate (if you are holding it) out of your hands so he can eat.  Don't try and eat cheese around him, he LOVES it and will not SHUT UP if you have it until you share and he has to have the last bit.

* Toby (the cat) also tends to roll over.  He can speak too sometimes...

* When I am home he will not let me go into the bathroom by myself.  (What cat does that?!?!?!)

*I have serious trust issues with the male gender.  (The cat does too)  It takes a lot for me to trust a guy and for some reason, whenever I really trust one, one of us always gets hurt (if not both). 

* More fun words:  (See previous post "This is me..." for explanation) http://randomnessofme2011.blogspot.com/2011/03/this-is-me.html
  - razza-fraggin (found a lot of people use this one)
  - gwumble (self-explanatory)
  - de-frazzledness (the state of coming out of fustration of confuzzlement)
  - snikey (pronounced shn-eye-key; used so not to swear since I do spend some time around kids)

* I have very strange taste in music (or so I am told by some people)... I can go from Hard Rock to R&B to Les Mis to who knows in any given amount of time.  I listen to almost all of it.

* I have never seen Pulp Fiction nor have I ever had the desire to.  (I know a lot of people will give me crap for this - sorry)

* Some of my favorite movies include The Princess Bride (also the book is awesome!), Labrynth, Boondock Saints, and Meet the Robinson.

* I can watch a Disney movie any day of the week.  I <3 Disney movies.  I also love Jim Henson movies.

*When I laugh really hard I can sound like a hyena.  Also, I laugh so hard I cry.  I call this "leaking"

* I love polar bears.  No idea how this came about, don't care, I just love them.  I think they are beautiful and wonderful animals.  :)

* I realized this thing has gotten long again so I gonna end here.... I know I missed things, please feel free to tell me your random thoughts about me.  I love to hear fun things people notice about me.  :)

Apologies

Did you do this on purpose? Did you wait for the opportunity to come along so you could turn it around back around on me? Are you glad that now you have made it look like it's my fault?

Guess what.... I f***ed up.  I know that, I can admit that.  Unfortunately, you don't want to listen.  Hence, not totally my fault anymore....

Look, I am not trying to lay blame on anyone.  I just wish you would talk to me about this.  We are adults... can't we act like it?

How many times/ways do I have to say that I am sorry for over-reacting yesterday morning? Did you even read my apology?

Part of me wants to say "whatever, I won't deal with this" and part of me wants to say "Can't we find a way to be friends?"

Guess you have made my decision for me.  Again, I am sorry.....

This is me....

Just a few things about me either you never wanted to know or probably will be too afraid to admit you know now.... we shall see:

I am a walking oxymoron.

I love more than I feel loved.

I am scared to fall in love because I don't think it will be reciprocated.

I thought I found the one I wanted to be with "forever" and then he did one of the worst things I never knew was possible, he used his words (not his actions) to kill my spirit... His words still haunt me years later.

I keep finding guys who bring and keep me down, yet I don't know what else to do.

As often as I say "I am never getting married" or "I am never having kids" secretly I want to find someone who will prove me wrong... (preferably the marriage one first but I will take what I can get)

I want to be happy but don't feel as though I deserve it...

I have made so many mistakes, I don't feel like I am a good person but I still strive everyday to try and be better even though I don't think I deserve it...

I have severe (at least I think it is) depression.  I try not to use it as a crutch but some days it's too hard and that is just too good of an excuse.

I hate excuses but sometimes they make things easier to deal with....

When I say "i'm fine" I want someone who can/will look me in the eye and call me a liar.

I am sick of crying myself to sleep at night and waking up just to pretend I am ok...

I am scared each and everyday that I will do something stupid that will hurt either me or someone I care about and that is my BIGGEST fear (hurting someone else unintentionally).

I push people away I care about because I don't want to hurt them... I don't want to drag them down with who I am and what I deal with.

I feel as though I am a terrible friend so I push people away in the hopes that I don't have the chance to really hurt them.

My mind is a sad, scary place and I hope no one ever has to see it.... EVER (I mean it)

I don't like to bring people down with my problems but some days I just wish someone would call and say "let's do (this or that) for no reason, just to get out"...

I am scared to call anyone and say that to them because I don't want to hear "sorry, I have other plans (with (whomever)).

As I write this, I wonder if I will actually post this and if I do, who will read it or how long I will let it be there....


(After I posted this I started thinking.  Instead of adding to what I already wrote, I thought of some of stuff and decided to add it to the bottom)

I wonder how many people are going to call me and try to get me to do stuff I have little to no interest in doing...

One of my best friends calls me Eeyore.  I am not particularly fond of this nickname but in the past few weeks this has fit me so well so I don't complain.  Just know I am not always "debbie downer" I actually can be a very happy person.  Damn depression.  :(  (ok, I know, another excuse but sometimes, it's the truth...)

(Maybe I should start another blog but oh well.... a few more and some of these are positive and/or funny)

I will probably at some point say something bad about you, i will almost instantly feel bad.  Exceptions to this: The more someone annoys me, the longer it takes before I feel bad.... there are very few people I no longer feel bad saying things about. (these are more or less people I no longer talk to...)

I tend to have "crushes" on people I KNOW I will never go after.  I will ogle a good looking person until I am blue in the face but I will never actively seek a relationship... (see above about falling in love)

I currently have 2 "crushes": Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park and Alexander Skarsgard (Eric from True Blood).  I know I will never meet them so I can ogle comfortably.  :) 

Writer's Block is the devil... I used to love to write, I used to be able to write until cows turned blue... now, it takes me forever just to get thoughts straight...

I used to want to be a writer but am afraid of failing (see previous comment)

I use ... WAY too much but it's kinda fun... :p

I hate the term "best friend" but I use it because I don't know how else to classify a few special friends I have.  I also have classifications of "closest friend(s)," "good friend(s)," and "acquaintance" to go with just plain friend.  I can distinguish between all of them, but don't ask me to explain, I won't be able to put it in words.

I hate asking for help, I don't want to burden anyone with my "feelings" or "insecurities" so other than the occasional rant, you probably won't see the "vulnerable" side of me unless you hit the "best friend" or "closest friend" category which is not easy to do....

I do not know what a real "date" actually is because I have never just "dated" a person.  I have been single too long that I don't know how to be in a relationship.

I currently don't want to be in a relationship (head screwey right now so not good idea....)

"get over it" is not an acceptable response to whining.  I will not use it and I hate hearing it.  (Exception to the rule: if you have been dealing with something to the point where you are "milking it" then I will say "get over it")

I have no shame when it comes to asking certain questions.  I asked a freind once what happened to their lip (it looked like they bit it but they cut it shaving - apparently no one else had to guts to ask. Maybe they thought it was a cold sore)

I don't want to go back to my childhood.  I was WAY more insecure as a kid.  I just hid it A LOT better. 

I wonder how many people will read this and mentally pull out all the grammatical and/or spelling errors...

I wonder how many of them can ignore the constant ...

I wonder if I will ever get my train of throught straight.... (I keep forgetsting what I was gonna write... at least I feel better from this morning so that's a bonus)

I constantly talk funny.  Confuzzled is one of my favorite words.  I also like fustrated and forgetsting - Thanks Mom.)

This is getting WAY too long so now I gonna end it.  Anymore thoughts I will just add on later.  :p

Jim Henson will always be one of my heroes!

Growing up I had many toys, movies, etc. whenever I wanted but most of my favorites all were connected to Jim Henson somehow.  :)

I mean who (around the age of 30) hasn't seen Labrynth, Fraggle Rock, Dark Crystal or Sesame Street?  Did you ever watch the Muppet Hour? I did!!!

I used to come home from school and run to the TV to watch Fraggle Rock... The Doozers, Trash Heap, Sprocket, The Fraggles themselves, the Gorgs.  Ah, I miss the Fraggles.....

and my parents thought Sesame Street was so entertaining.  I mean, heck, it's still on today!!! 

Oh and The Muppet Show?  and the Muppet Movies? Who didn't love those cranky old men in the balcony?

Of course, you can't forget the movies either.  Labrynth is still one of my favorites today and I watch it all the time.

Yeah, Jim Henson was an intrigal part of growing up.  Whenever I start thinking of my childhood I like remembering Jim Henson and his brilliance.  I know his company is still around today creating great new things but I will always remember Kermit singing "It's Not Easy Being Green"

"My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here" ~ Jim Henson

Man, I hope this day doesn't get any worse....

Yeah, today has SUCKED royally and it's not even over yet.

Got woken up at 4:40 am by my roommate's alarm clock.  She doesn't quite realize that LOUD COUNTRY MUSIC playing can wake others up in the same place.... Sorry, could not tune it out.  :(

Got to work later than I wanted to because I couldn't get out of bed.  Wanted those extra few minutes... since there is only two of us in the office today it was nice and quiet.  Made a few mistakes in the system and had to contact our system support. 

Apparently when promising someone that something will be sent out THAT DAY via overnight does not always make sense to them so I got a call asking if I dropped my overnight stuff off in time for it to go out... Um, the box doesn't pick up until 5:30 and they are calling before 2pm.  (It's not even 4 as I am writing this, HELLO?!?!?!) Whatever.... At least I was told that I was dependable. 

Ran to the bank after finishing errands for boss and was told "Oh, you have a -$.50 balance in your account."  Thanks for the reminder that I am broke, just put the f*%&ing check in the bank for me. Thanks, buh-bye.  Grrrrr. Why do people tend to point out crap like that?!?!?! (I know I am a loser who is broke all the time and lives check to check just to makes ends meet, thanks.)

Then I decide I am starving (I have been going to lunch late 3 of the 4 days so far this week, what else is new, I am going again late today....) so I want to run and grab something quick and easy so I went to McDonald's

WAIT FOR IT........

Yep, the order got SCREWED UP!!!! I order a meal and 1 extra sandwich.  Got the meal, where was the extra sandwich?  So I call them up because I have had it (the past 5 times I have gone to McD's my order has been screwed up... the last 3 have been MISSING things.... I thought THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO CHECK THE BAGS BEFORE HANDING THEM TO THE CUSTOMER?!?!?!?!  Apparently not...)

Yeah, I am LIVID, so I call up the place and the line is busy.  Shouldn't be surprised there because McDonalds seems to be continually screwing up all the time so of course people would be calling and complaing but it still annoyed me.... finally I get through to the lady and she tells me "all we can do is replace it for you next time."  Excuse me?  Oh boy.... I almost lost it... (At least she didn't tell me "oh yeah, it's sitting right here" like I got the time before.) So I try and say as calmly as possible (which is by all means no easy feat for me) "How is it that the last few times I have gone to a McDonalds (yes, this is a different one then the last 2 time) you can't seem to get the order right?" 

*They have screens to make sure the order is right....
*The order is right on the screen....
*They are supposed to check the bag (at least once) before handing it to the customer

WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE COLORFUL IS THERE A PART OF THE ORDER THAT IS MISSING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I don't get it....

She again tells me all she can do is replace my meal next time I come in.  Fine, whatever, I say I will come in another day... (maybe...)

Then I call my sister-in-law because when I get this mad she is ONE OF THE ONLY people who can calm me down... (There is one other but couldn't call them) I proceed to tell her I wanna cry because my day has sucked so far and I explain everything that has happened... She is great, I calm down (eventually).

Ok, back into work.  I tell my co-worker that I am never going to McDonalds again and she laughs and says "yeah right" then I tell her that they AGAIN screwed up my order... Her response: "Well, you order weird stuff. Like no this or no that" (ok.....).  So I say "Yeah, but how the hell do they forget an entire piece of an order?!?!? Don't they check the bags?  Ok, got her on that one.  Still peeved about it though... (Come on, sometimes all a girl wants is a little support... am i wrong?)

Grumble... Gonna cry again so I text my sister-in-law and whoops... accidentally sent it to my co-worker... CRAP!!! Ran to her office and told her I accidentally sent her a message that I meant to send to my sister-in-law... Then I do text her and say tell her I wanna cry again.  She asks why and I say I am gonna send her an email and explain....

Thankfully the email went to the right person....

Now I am sitting here at my desk trying to calm down because if I am lucky I will be out of work at a decent, reasonable hour tonight (if I can ever calm down from being upset then being a dumbass....) 

Yeah, I know things could be worse but man do I pray that they don't get any worse today... I don't think I can take it.  Too many little things going wrong for me today.  :(