blah, blah, blah...

Ever had one of those days where all you heard was "blah, blah, blah..."?  - I have 

Ever try and go about a normal routine and EVERYTHING upsets you? - I have

Ever feel as if no matter what you do, it's never good enough? - I have
Ever feel trapped or like no matter what you do, you don't get anything done or go anywhere? - I have

Why am I writing this?  Because of the last few weeks I have been fighting with my depression harder than I have in a very long time and I can't do it by myself anymore.

I was diagnosed when I was 15 as having depression, bipolar, OCD tendencies (have you ever seen any of the things I am OCD about? some of them are kinda funny...) and ADHD.  I have been medicated, counseled, hospitalized, etc.  I have been in counseling and had a psychiatrist.  I have "fired" my therapist because I was not a child and she specialized in child psychology.  Prior to that I had 2 different therapists, both of which I loved!!! Unfortunately, they both left to go on and do other things.  I have had a total of 5 "shrinks" (not all at once) whom I have either loved or hated.  I have tried to deal on my own, I have tried to deal by talking.  Honestly, I don't really know what to do right now other than start back at step one and go forward again.

I actually have been diagnosed as having a form of depression known as bipolar. Pretty much it means I can go from sad to "scary" (sometimes very violent) very quickly.  I have thrown stuff, I have broken stuff, I have even hurt myself.  (FYI - not always a good idea to let this side out because you CAN hurt yourself or someone else.  I have hurt myself and others many a time.  I am not proud of this.) 

I try and only throw pillows or rip up paper.  Usually if I can wear the "violent, angry" part of me out, I usually just cry the rest away.

I cried myself to sleep so many nights.  I have been trying to figure out how I can curl up and "hibernate" in a corner until it goes away.  I have been contemplating giving up on everything I have worked for and moving away in hopes I can find someplace where I won't be so sad.

Why is it so hard for me right now?  Well, one MAJOR reason is my medication.  I am not on a regular regimen.  Don't worry, I have an appointment coming up soon (less than a week) in which I will get back on a routine medication schedule. 

What do I need?  I need understanding.  I need my friends to know that I have been and will be "snappy" and/or "bitchy" (or whatever you wanna call it) for a little longer more and I am sorry.  

I don't mean to take it out on you, it's nothing you did!  It's all me and I am sorry if I upset or offend you!

When I get into these "funks" what I end up hearing sounds [sometimes] something  like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

Things have been blowing up and I have had so much trouble dealing with everything coming at me.  It feels like it is coming at me so much and so fast that I am having so much trouble dealing. 

So as I said earlier, back to step 1.  Actually, I can pass that one because step 1 to me is easy.  I have admitted I have a problem.  I DO have a problem.  I NEED help. 
Step 2 is not a problem right now either.  I have been through the "process" with my insurance and I have an appt. in a few days with a brand new Psychiatrist who specializes in medication management.  Her practice also has counselors (part of why I picked them, AND they participate with my insurance.  Yay!!!)
Step 3 not so easy.... Setting up a support system. 

This one isn't as easy.... I know I have friends and family who love and support me.  I just don't like to "burden" them with my problems.  I know, I know... My friends love and support me and it's not a burden to them.  Well, I see it as you have your own problems, I don't want to add any stress or worries to you by making you worry about me.

I have screwed up enough, I have pushed enough people away by being in my "moods" and I have lost those that I care about because I have said or done the wrong thing. 

Honestly, right now, all I need is for my friends to know that I am slowly trying to get back to being my not-unmedicated, crazy, fun self that will NOT blow up over stupid things.  I want my friends to know I love each and every one of you and I am sorry for anything I have done or might do to piss you off.  I want you to know that I am trying to get better and I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of my friends and family for all of their love and support.