Why bother speaking?

I once was asked why I don't really talk too much about myself.  Yes I do actually talk about myself but not as much as you might think.  I will tell everyone the same things over and over again.  Certain things I won't tell anyone.  It's just the way I am.  I mean, how many people can honestly say they REALLY know me?  No one really can.  For example:  I can't think of 1 person who could name my favorite book.  If you can find someone, let me know.  (It's not as easy as you think...)
  
Why is this?  Because I don't see the point in getting that close to people.  I think I might be cursed.  Every time I find someone that I would consider anywhere close to being my "best friend" (this does not include my brother and sister-in-law who are by default my best friends because they are the closest I have), they leave. 

My most recent best friend currently hates me and refuses to speak to me.  I know part of it is my fault.  It just sucks because I opened up to him.  Let me explain; it's not the fact that I opened up to him, it's the fact that every single person I actually REALLY open up to disappears.  I don't know if they freak out or something or just get annoyed with me.  I just tend to find these people (obviously not the right ones apparently) and stick to them, opening up about me, the real me. 

Do I scare them off?  Do they think I am some sort of mental case?  Honestly I think I will just stick to talking to my therapist about the deeper stuff.  That's what I pay her for.  I found it hysterical that at the end of our session last week she actually thanked me for opening up to her. 

I don't know.  Maybe I am just in a funk.... It happens from time to time... I am stuck in a rain cloud that won't go away.  Maybe I am just living in a world (my mind) where I am just waiting for the sun to come out. 

It's not all bad though.  At least I have my cat and my family and my friends (who kind of know me but not as well as they may think...).  At least I have something to cling to, something to look forward to....

Who knows.... Maybe I will eventually find someone to share the real, whole me with.... Who can even answer correctly when I ask what my favorite book is.....

Moving sucks

I hate moving... I had never moved before 2006 and since then I am moving for the 5th time.  Come on?!?!? This sucks!  Moving is hard work.

You never realize how much crap you have until you have to move.  Thankfully I keep moving in the same area.  The best part about this move is that there is more than just 2 people doing it.  Yep, every time I have moved so far there has been 2 people doing the move.  The first time I had a prior commitment and my brother and sister-in-law moved all my stuff (I still feel bad about that but thank them dearly for it).  Every other time since then it has been me and a friend.  This time I actually suckered a few friends into helping me so *fingers crossed* it should go a little quicker. 

I have already agreed to get pizza and soda for everyone who is helping me as a thank you.  :)   I just have to remember no pepperoni for Andrew... Maybe a large pepperoni and a large cheese pizza from Wally-world that I can throw in the oven so we can eat once everything is moved in.  Now to find out about drinks...

Man I hate moving... Thankfully I have awesome friends who are dumb crazy enough to offer to help me.  :)

everyone leaves

Somehow or another every single person you will ever meet will leave you.  Some not by choice, others choose to walk away.  Regardless or the reason, it never fails.

Right now, I can't help but focus on the ones that choose to leave.  I have actually told friends not to tell me that they would never leave because everyone leaves eventually.  I have had more than a few friends that said they would always be there.  In the end, I was always alone when I needed them.

I stopped expecting anything from people.  Not having expectations makes it harder for people to let you down. So why is it that I have no expectations yet I am still always getting hurt?  It makes no sense to me.  Am I that difficult of a person to be friends with?  Do I put too much pressure on the people that I am friends with? I didn't think that I asked too much of people so why is it that I always seem to lose those closest to me?

I pushed away my most recent "closest" friend.  He tried to tell me how he felt and I didn't understand.  I tried to but I couldn't.  Then instead of taking the time to listen to him and understand where he was coming from, I questioned him.  I questioned his friendship and pushed him away.

I tried to apologize but the damage was done.  I know I could have handled it better but I wasn't the only one in the wrong.  He wouldn't listen to me in the end.  I tried to explain, I tried to talk to him.

Now the one person I want to talk to won't talk to me.  I feel so alone even though I know I am not alone.  I know I have people who will listen.  It's nothing against them but the one person I want to talk to right now isn't there anymore.

I feel so alone and the one person who always made me feel better when I felt this way won't listen.  We still have mutual friends and I even considered trying to ask them if he was ok.  Thankfully I did talk myself out of it.  What if he is happier now that we aren't friends anymore?  What if he has moved on?  I know these questions are better left unanswered but I still wonder.  I still wonder where we would be today if we were still friends....

Instead it is just more proof that everyone leaves me in the end...

Rambling...

I have these crazy dreams that one day you and I will meet again.  That one day we will speak again.  That one day you won't hate me anymore.

Only I know it's only a dream.  I know we will never be friends again.  I know you will never be there for me again and it hurts.  It hurts that I let you down and I let myself down.

It hurts knowing that I messed up a good friendship.  But why?  Part of me wants to believe you were secretly looking for a way out.  Part of me wants to believe you wanted an excuse to say goodbye.  Part of me wants to believe that no matter what I would have said, it still would have been wrong.

But still part of me wonders.... Part of me wonders what you really meant.  Part of me wonders what you really wanted to say.  What didn't you tell me?  What couldn't you say?

It's been weeks.  I know I shouldn't still be thinking about this.  Why am I then?  What keeps me coming back to this?  Honestly, I don't know if it even really matters anymore.  It's not like you will ever speak to me again.  You have probably moved on with your life.

So why then can't I move on with mine?

decisions, decisions....

So on a lighter note today.....

I heard this AWESOME song on the radio yesterday and totally fell in love with it.  It's called "Not Strong Enough" and it's by a band called Apocalyptica.  They are a band that does a lot of orchestra type stuff and they have different singers perform their songs. 

The version I heard was this:

This version is sung by Brent Smith from Shinedown.  I love his voice.  I think it fits really well with the song....

I wanted to post this song on my facebook page but when I went to youtube I found this version:

Why is Doug Robb from Hoobastank (another great band) singing the song now?!?!?! 

Why do artists do this?  I bought the Shaman CD by Santana a while ago and heard "Why Don't You & I" and loved the song.  On the CD it was sung by Chad Kroeger of Nickelback but when they released it on the radio it was sung by Alex Band of The Calling. 

Don't get me wrong, I like The Calling and I loved his version of the song as well.  I just don't understand why artists do this?  Why even release a song with 1 person singing if you are just gonna re-release with another person doing it.  I don't like it... :(

I could be totally wrong... What do you think?  Which version do you like better?


**Ok, so after some reading, I found this on wikipedia:

"Due to distribution rights on [Brent] Smith's vocals, "Not Strong Enough" was re-recorded with Doug Robb of Hoobastank before being released to US radio on January 18, 2011."

I still think that if there is going to be an issue then why was it released at all?   :(   

If even just 1 person gets something out of this....

The other day I was talking to my sister-in-law.  We were talking about how I think my blogging about my depression and my life and whatever else is sort of a form of therapy for me.  I said if even 1 person gets something from what I write then I will continue doing it.  I figured if even 1 person can benefit from knowing that they are not alone then it's worth continuing.

That night I got an email from a friend of mine on facebook thanking me for sharing.  This friend told me that I inspired them and they just wanted to know if it got easier.  Honestly, sometimes it takes a long time but it does get easier eventually.  It did for me.  It took me years of struggling with myself.  It took me years of trying to figure out who my real friends were.  It took me a long time to realize that it was a sickness that I had to live with for the rest of my life and it was ok.  I wasn't a freak with some weird disease.   I was a person fighting to get better. 

It's not easy to talk about all the time but it is something that sometimes needs to be said.  DEPRESSIONS SUCKS!!!!! Some people can't handle it, others can't handle seeing someone with it.... As I previously posted: [To me] admitting you have a problem and asking for help is very hard.  For me, it was the hardest part. 

I used to be friends with someone who fought very hard with depression.  I told her that she needed to talk to her mom about it because I could not be her support system.  I couldn't handle it.  She took the step and told her mom but never went further with it.  She felt better saying she had a problem but she never took another step during the rest of our friendship.  She still asked me for advice and help.  We lost touch years ago and she eventually moved away.  Hopefully she found the help she needed.  I just couldn't be it. 

Often times people focus on 1 thing.  That can help in the short-term.  Unfortunately, becoming dependant on that one thing can cause stress and strain.  One of my former therapist (and most of my Psychiatrists) agreed that an entire support system needed to be set up. 

Alcoholics have AA.  Drug users have NA.  People with depression do have support groups they can check out.  They have both online chat groups and groups all over that meet. I googled "depression support groups" and got "About 5,840,000 results (0.12 seconds)" results. I saw this one: http://www.nmha.org/go/find_support_group which has all sorts of resources to finding groups for people with depression. I bet if I was more specific and put the area I live in I could find more groups.  The point is that there is help out there.  You just have to be willing to look.

Today I have my 1st appointment with a new Psychiatrist.  She specializes in medication management but her practice also has counselors and other resources.  Today I am taking my 1st step to getting back to feeling better.

 

the 1st step is the hardest....

So after yesterday's post, I have decided to explore my depression more.  I am not doing this to boast or brag or ask for special treatment.  I am doing this because it is a form of therapy.  Who knows? Maybe someone out there will read something I write about depression and know they aren't alone.  Depression is a serious issue and can not be ignored. 

****Warning, this blog gets a little "dark" towards the end****

Ok, so yesterday I blogged that a) I am depressed (duh), b) I am currently not on my medication (which will be fixed very soon), c) I know I am loved and supported, and d) I just ask for understanding and a little patience.

One of the hardest things about my depression is that I tend to push people away when I get this way.  I've already pushed one person away and I miss that person dearly.  I don't want to make that mistake again.

I also want to state that depression is different in everyone.  Just like no 2 people are exactly the same, no 2 forms of depression are exactly the same. 

Mine is a chemical imbalance.  Something in my brain doesn't balance out or something, I don't get it, and I need my medicine to help balance what I am missing or whatever it is that causes my brain to go "wonky."  So when I don't have my meds, I'm not a great person to be around... Now, usually it does take a few days of me not taking my meds to notice anything.  One things that happens, I get BAD headaches (some of my friends will know that this happened recently). Mood swings? Check.  Outbursts? Check.  Crying Fits?  Check, check, check.  Feelings of inadequacy?  There aren't enough checks to go with this one....
  

If you are someone who feels inadequate just know that you are NOT ALONE. According to a study, Maryland was in the top 5 states when it came to people with depression and was ranked 8th in suicides.  Now, I am not saying anyone in Maryland who is despressed should go and move to Utah (ranked 51st on the depression scale).  I am saying that if we recognize symptoms and take at least the 1st step (admitting there is something wrong) then we can get help. (For the full article: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/state-ranking)

Now for the "dark" part: 

I was 15 when I blacked out and woke up with cuts on my arms and legs.  I had been cutting myself a little before that but never blacked out to where I couldn't remember.  I am not kidding.  It was nothing that would seriously injure me, it was a cry for help.

This "blackout" scared me so much that I went to my school counselor and told her how scared I was.   After that, I started my road to recovery.  I took the FIRST step and admitted I needed help.  My parents, who had NO idea that I had a problem before this, got me help.  I was lucky that I had such an understanding family.  Ok, so not everyone understood but everyone supported me the best way they knew how to.  My parents, my brother, my friends (the close ones who knew I had problems) all stood by and helped me however they could and I got that help I needed.  I started counseling, I got tested for depression (see the "blah blah blah" post) and I got help.

Not everyone has it this way though... not everyone has people who are as understanding as I had... and not everyone feels like they have someone they can turn to when they need help.  

Why am I writing all of this?  Well, mostly I want others who are depressed (and scared or feel like they don't have anyone to help them) to know that they are NOT alone.  I have been there. There is NOTHING wrong with you.  Everyone goes through some sort of depression at some point in their life.  Life is not easy, it just is... How we choose to live our life makes us who we are.... How will you live yours?

April Fools!

I am not a fan of April Fools Day.  I never have been.  Probably because I was always the butt of the jokes growing up.

I do however like to hear some of the better jokes.  :)

So far I have heard a few.  For example: (and NO real names are used)

- My friend April posted on her facebook that her boss called her this morning.  He said "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that your working conditions will improve greatly.  The bad news is that it will be a while as our building burnt down this morning."  (this was especially funny because they have been out of work for the past 2 days because thier building flooded.)

- My friend Jeff got a call from his best friend this morning who recently gave birth a few weeks ago.  She told him that a 3rd was on the way.  (She had a baby like 4 wks ago too...)

I have already had 2 friends post pics of an ultrasound on their facebook saying "Guess what?!?" (or something that that extent).  One friend's relationship status suddenly went from "single" to "engaged" (yeah sure)

What is your best April Fools Day prank?

blah, blah, blah...

Ever had one of those days where all you heard was "blah, blah, blah..."?  - I have 

Ever try and go about a normal routine and EVERYTHING upsets you? - I have

Ever feel as if no matter what you do, it's never good enough? - I have
Ever feel trapped or like no matter what you do, you don't get anything done or go anywhere? - I have

Why am I writing this?  Because of the last few weeks I have been fighting with my depression harder than I have in a very long time and I can't do it by myself anymore.

I was diagnosed when I was 15 as having depression, bipolar, OCD tendencies (have you ever seen any of the things I am OCD about? some of them are kinda funny...) and ADHD.  I have been medicated, counseled, hospitalized, etc.  I have been in counseling and had a psychiatrist.  I have "fired" my therapist because I was not a child and she specialized in child psychology.  Prior to that I had 2 different therapists, both of which I loved!!! Unfortunately, they both left to go on and do other things.  I have had a total of 5 "shrinks" (not all at once) whom I have either loved or hated.  I have tried to deal on my own, I have tried to deal by talking.  Honestly, I don't really know what to do right now other than start back at step one and go forward again.

I actually have been diagnosed as having a form of depression known as bipolar. Pretty much it means I can go from sad to "scary" (sometimes very violent) very quickly.  I have thrown stuff, I have broken stuff, I have even hurt myself.  (FYI - not always a good idea to let this side out because you CAN hurt yourself or someone else.  I have hurt myself and others many a time.  I am not proud of this.) 

I try and only throw pillows or rip up paper.  Usually if I can wear the "violent, angry" part of me out, I usually just cry the rest away.

I cried myself to sleep so many nights.  I have been trying to figure out how I can curl up and "hibernate" in a corner until it goes away.  I have been contemplating giving up on everything I have worked for and moving away in hopes I can find someplace where I won't be so sad.

Why is it so hard for me right now?  Well, one MAJOR reason is my medication.  I am not on a regular regimen.  Don't worry, I have an appointment coming up soon (less than a week) in which I will get back on a routine medication schedule. 

What do I need?  I need understanding.  I need my friends to know that I have been and will be "snappy" and/or "bitchy" (or whatever you wanna call it) for a little longer more and I am sorry.  

I don't mean to take it out on you, it's nothing you did!  It's all me and I am sorry if I upset or offend you!

When I get into these "funks" what I end up hearing sounds [sometimes] something  like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

Things have been blowing up and I have had so much trouble dealing with everything coming at me.  It feels like it is coming at me so much and so fast that I am having so much trouble dealing. 

So as I said earlier, back to step 1.  Actually, I can pass that one because step 1 to me is easy.  I have admitted I have a problem.  I DO have a problem.  I NEED help. 
Step 2 is not a problem right now either.  I have been through the "process" with my insurance and I have an appt. in a few days with a brand new Psychiatrist who specializes in medication management.  Her practice also has counselors (part of why I picked them, AND they participate with my insurance.  Yay!!!)
Step 3 not so easy.... Setting up a support system. 

This one isn't as easy.... I know I have friends and family who love and support me.  I just don't like to "burden" them with my problems.  I know, I know... My friends love and support me and it's not a burden to them.  Well, I see it as you have your own problems, I don't want to add any stress or worries to you by making you worry about me.

I have screwed up enough, I have pushed enough people away by being in my "moods" and I have lost those that I care about because I have said or done the wrong thing. 

Honestly, right now, all I need is for my friends to know that I am slowly trying to get back to being my not-unmedicated, crazy, fun self that will NOT blow up over stupid things.  I want my friends to know I love each and every one of you and I am sorry for anything I have done or might do to piss you off.  I want you to know that I am trying to get better and I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of my friends and family for all of their love and support.

One a day

So I am re-starting my rule of 1 mitzvah (good deed - loosely translated) everyday.  I used to make sure I did AT LEAST one good deed a day but lately I have been slacking severely.

I don't do it because I should, I do it because doing something nice for another person not only makes me feel better, it causes other people to turn around and do something nice for others as well (at least sometimes.)

So if everyone just did SOMETHING good for 1 other person, it might start a chain reaction. I mean, when someone does something nice for me (for example: someone once let me get in front of them at the grocery store because I only had 3 items verse there 30 and all of the other checkouts were ridiculously long) I want to do something nice for someone else. It's called "pay it forward" and I think everyone should try it.

This morning a huge 18-wheeler was stuck waiting for a chance to turn into an intersection.  Instead of going (since I had the right of way) I flagged him telling him to go on since who knows when he would have a chance.

I am not saying that we should let every large truck pass or give away all of our money to someone in need.  I am saying that if we just slowed down and took a second to say "please" or "thanks" or tell someone that they are appreciated it could lead to someone doing something nice for another person and so on and so forth. 


There is a song that Clay Walker sings that I always think of.  It's called "The Chain of Love" and here are the lyrics:

He was driving home one evening,
In his beat up Pontiac
When an old lady flagged him down,
Her Mercedes had a flat
He could see that she was frightened,
Standing out there in the snow
'Til he said I'm here to help you ma'am,
By the way my name is Joe

She said I'm from St. Louis,
And I'm only passing through
I must have seen a hundred cars go by,
This is awful nice of you
When he changed the tire,
And closed her trunk
And was about to drive away,
She said how much do I owe you
Here's what he had to say

You don't owe me a thing, I've been there too
Someone once helped me out,
Just the way I'm helping you
If you really want to pay me back,
Here's what you do
Don't let the chain of love end with you

Well a few miles down the road,
The lady saw a small cafe
She went in to grab a bite to eat,
And then be on her way
But she couldn't help but notice,
How the waitress smiled so sweet
And how she must've been eight months along,
And dead on her feet

And though she didn't know her story,
And she probably never will
When the waitress went to get her change,
From a hundred dollar bill
The lady slipped right out the door,
And on a napkin left a note
There were tears in the waitress's eyes,
When she read what she wrote

You don't owe me a thing,
I've been there too
Someone once helped me out,
Just the way I'm helping you
If you really want to pay me back,
Here's what you do
Don't let the chain of love end with you

That night when she got home from work,
The waitress climbed into bed
She was thinkin' about the money,
And what the lady's note had said
As her husband lay there sleeping,
She whispered soft and low
Everything's gonna be alright, I love you, Joe

If today was your last day...

What would you do if there was no tomorrow?

How do we even know there is a tomorrow?

What would you change if you knew today was the end?

(Don't worry, to my knowledge, today is not my last day or yours... BUT it could be the last day for someone out there. How do you think they might feel right now?)

Some days I wish I could go back and change some of the things I have done.  I want to change some of the thing things I have been through.  Make a better choice, say something different.  Unfortunately, we can't go back.  We can only go forward. 

I have done some things that I think are terrible.  They are cruel and mean of me and I wish I could take them back.  Too bad I know I can't. 

So, starting today I am going to try and think things through better.  I am going to try and think about my actions and my words and the consequences.  I am going to think how what I say or do might affect those around me. 

Hopefully I can become a better person because that is what I need to do.  I need to feel better about myself so I can be a better friend, sister, daughter, maybe one day even lover, wife, mother.

What will you do?

Still can't forget...

So there is 1 song that keeps going through my head.  It's called "Blame God Instead" and it's by a very talented artist named Alex Bach.  I have posted the lyrics below.  If you can, you should check out the song.  It is really awesome...

More or less the song is about a couple who split.  Actually, he leaves her without telling her anything.  I don't know if he just up and disappears or what but basically he leaves her without a reason.  Everything seemed great and he just left.

This hits WAY too close to home for me right now.  I know he was pissed.  I know I over-reacted but I still don't really know what happened between us and part of it is killing me.

I still look at my phone, thinking maybe he will text me.  I still pray that maybe he will come knock on my door and say that he wants to figure things out.  The truth is that I know things don't work that way in real life. At least not in mine.  No one comes back and says they are sorry.  No one shows up, knocking on my door asking if we can try and work things out.  For me it doesn't happen.

The thing is though that I miss him everyday.  I miss our stupid conversations about nothing.  I miss him talking about his parents and his fustrations at his job.  I miss him asking about Toby.  I miss curling up to watch a movie with him and him trying to startle me at stupid times.  I miss the 10 or more emails everyday that he would send because he got so many and wanted to share.

I miss him.  I miss our friendship.... and what hurts the most is that I know we will never have it back.

"Blame God Instead" by Alex Bach

I do a double double take a thousand times a day No matter where I go I always think I just saw your face And everytime I realize I'm wrong A part of me still cannot believe you're gone

With everybody in my life, I'm obligated to explain Who I am, what I said, what I meant, and why I feel this way But you knew more about me than I knew myself I'll never find the same in anyone else

When you left me, you never even said goodbye Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why I'd feel so much better off with you dead Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God instead

Remember how the days and nights started to feel the same Time had a way of stopping when I cried out your name But the voice I just heard made my blood run cold In the blink of an eye your heart just turned to stone

When you left me, you never even said goodbye Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why I'd feel so much better off with you dead Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God instead

When you left all my friends told me that I should move on That I deserve better than you Sometimes I wish you'd died then I could grieve in peace And everyone would understand the pain I'm going through

When you left me, you never even said goodbye Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why

(No, no, no, no, no)

When you left me, you never even said goodbye Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why I'd feel so much better off with you dead Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God, damnit! When you left me, you never even said goodbye Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why I'd feel so much better off with you dead Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God instead

Some days you feel like a nut....

Today was not one of those days for me.

I had one of those days where EVERYTHING annoyed me. Now I am typing this and my cat is trying to give kisses to my hand and it is driving me insane.  I can't type like that.

I swear, I need to do something.  I can't live like this anymore.  I either want to cry, scream or curl  up into a ball and just disappear. This is so not cool.

I honestly just want to curl up into a ball right now and sleep off everything.  I don't even care if it can't be slept away, I just wanna curl up, cry it out and  pray it goes away.

I need to get over this shit that is dragging me down but honestly I don't know how to.  I  need to move on from the crap that is driving me insane but I can't seem to be able to.  Every time something, ANYTHING, starts to feel as if it might be going right, 2 or more things make everything go wrong again.

This is no way to live life.  I have given up on asking for a good day but maybe a good few hours?  Heck, even if they are only in my sleep... I can live with that.  I don't ask for much..... I am a simple kinda girl.

Whatever, enough ranting for now.  Off to try and get some sleep....

TTFN.....

Sooooo tired.....

Damn those people who somehow another got ahold of my cell number and texted me some stupid ad at 2 a.m.

Bastards!!!!!!

Can barely keep my eyes open....

Is it worth it?

Some days I wonder if it's really worth it?  No I don't mean life in general.... I mean love.  I see so many people struggling with it.  Relationships that look so great that just end up failing/falling apart.


Two really wonderful people that I love dearly recently ended their relationship.  He isn't doing so well with it.  She thought things were ok (obviously they aren't).... I feel so bad for both of them because it looks as if they can't even be friends anymore.  They are such awesome people and I love both of them dearly.  It kinda makes me wonder though what happens when a relationship ends? 

1) the Mutual friends
 - Do the mutual friends of these people have to choose sides? 
I met both of them while they were still together.  I became friends with her first but am now friends with both of them.  I am close to both of them.  I know if I need anything, I can call on either of them (as long as it's not both, that would be a little awkward) if I need anything. 
- How do you comfort these people? 
I listened to both of them.  Both sides of the same story.  Honestly, no one was totally in the wrong and no one was totally in the right (at least not in my opinion).  I still think they are both still wrong and right.  Am I going to tell them this? Yes and no.  I feel they both need friends who support them and will be there for them.  The problem is that they are both wonderful people that just didn't fit together. 

2) What do you do with the stuff?

Thankfully they both still had most of their own stuff and did not acquire that much while together.  How do the couples who have been together for long periods of time decide how to divvy up their things?  That would kill me.... I would probably try and give them back presents too.  (Heck, I have tried to give gifts back to exes before.  This usually starts a whole new fight...)
An old friend of mine once told me "if you can't decide who should get it, sell it and split the money." Hmmmm, sounds like a plan except some things you really can't put a price on and other things are kinda illegal to sell...

3) Kids, pets, homes....
I feel so bad for the couples who split and they have children together.  Thankfully my friends hadn't been together long enough so they didn't have children.  They did however combine their pets all into her home. 
He ended up having to move out and take his pets.  I don't know if his animals and her animals created any real "bonds" but if they did I can tell you now "seperation anxiety" is a pain in the arse.... When I lived with my brother we had their 2 dogs and my cat.  When one dog passed away it was hard on us but it was really hard on the animals.  Thankfully they had each other to look to for support but when I moved out and took the cat my sister-in-law told me the dog would mope.  I know Toby (my cat) was miserable because he didn't have the dog to play with. 

It's hard to seperate anything but when you have living beings.  My friend had to go through a NASTY custody battle with a guy she wasn't even with over their son.  It was hard on everyone, even the child who had to learn who his dad was and only sees him so often.  (sometimes this isn't necesarily a bad thing....)

I don't even want to think how hard it has been on my friends who just recently split.  He has to now move all of his stuff out of her place.  I know everyone has offered to help him move.  Again, sometimes things get ugly though.... Me? I just kinda sit back, say if anyone wants to talk, I have two ears and try and let them settle things with as little violence as possible....

I know there are so many more parts to relationships but I still have to ask myself if it's really worth it sometimes. I mean, I know I am a TERRIBLE judge of a good person to date. Heck, I suck at picking friends half the time.... I always gravitate towards relationships that are so bad for me.... The last few guys I dated were all abusive (mentally and emotionally). I once dated a guy who liked to start arguments, and occasionally he shoved me (lightly) because he got off on it.... He liked fighting. Guess what? I don't! No one likes to see people fight. I will tell you this now: If you push me, I will push you back!!! I can now honestly, comfortably say this.

The positive side though has to be brought up as well.  Take my brother and sister-in-law.  I love them dearly.  I NEVER thought my brother would be able to find someone who could put up with his shit... Guess what?  My sister-in-law not only puts up with his shit, she gives it back to him. That and my neice and nephew.  Just them smiling makes me happy.   Somedays just seeing them makes me think it may be worth it.... Do I think I feel the same tomorrow? Dunno.  I honestly don't care.  I don't know if I will ever find someone but I DO know sometimes even the littlest things make it worth it....

why....

Is it bad that I want to hate someone.  I want to hate them with every fiber of my being but I can't.  I can't hate them but I want to so much.....

Why do people even think of saying they will never leave?  They always do.... It doesn't matter if they are pushed or if they choose to leave, they always go.

I just don't know if this time it was my fault or not.  I apologized, I begged, I pleaded for them to talk to me..... Nothing.  I shouldn't want to still have this person in my life but I still cry.  I still miss them.

I have lost so much already, why should this person matter so much?

Oh well... Nothing I can do.  They want me out of their life so I am trying my hardest.  I am trying my best to let them go.  I just have to keep telling myself that they aren't worth it....  I have to remind myself that they kept me down even if they didn't realize it.... I have to keep telling myself that I am better off without them....

Even if it feels like a lie....

Clairvoyance or Coincidence?

So I don't know why but I have always had weird dreams that somehow [partially] end up coming true.  I don't know if it means I am kinda clairvoyant or if it's a coincidence (that happens semi-frequently). 

Am I ever dead-on? Once or twice but those are more general dreams.  I may dream about a conversation (which I will probably forget) but I might have that conversation within a few days and get this weird feeling of deja vu (even though it was in a dream). 

Sometimes I will dream something will happen and a version of it will happen.  A few weeks ago I dreamt my trivia team won trivia and got to pick the first category for trivia for the following week.  My team picked Harry Potter.  In real-life: I went to trivia the day after I dreamt this and one of the topics was Harry Potter.  Coincidence? I dunno.  I also dreamt that a friend and I started a facebook page for the trivia company because there wasn't one.  Three weeks later a page was started.... again, coincidence?

I recently (about 2-3 weeks ago) dreamt a friend told me that they would never leave.  They said they would always be there for me and then they disappeared when I needed them only to reappear in a relationship with someone (who shall also remain nameless....).  In real-life, I recently lost that friend (we parted ways - long story).  If I find out that they are now (or even within the next six months) dating that person from the dream I may have to commit myself.....

It's totally weird..... I don't know what to do about it.

Do I have these dreams all the time? No. 
When I have them do they scare me? Not really. 

I once tried to read a dream dictionary.  It didn't help because the dictionary wanted me to interpret symbols and from those symbols I could decypher the meaning of the dream.  I am not dreaming of snakes on my floor.  I am dreaming (sometimes...) of things that actually end up happening. 

Ok so sometimes, I have REALLY weird dreams. I dreamt a guy kept trying to smell me.  (Apparently I smelled really good.)  So this guy kept trying to smell me because he liked how I smelled and every time I turned around I kept finding him near (if not next to) me trying to sniff me.  Finally some friends had to get rid of the guy.  Now do I think some guy is gonna start following me because I smell good? No, I don't.  I have no idea if it means anything.  I don't remember what the guy even looks like but who knows.... I may one day meet him and think "Hey, I know you from somewhere" and it could be the guy from the dream....

Hey, maybe I should try and dream of winning lotto numbers or something.  That would be kinda cool to be able to do that.... Kidding, I know I couldn't do that. 

Who knows what my dreams will bring.... Maybe if I am lucky, they will one day bring me peace.....

Welcome to my new blog

So I have NO idea how the heck to work this thing but I am going to attempt to figure it out....

(click the image - it moves!!)

Welcome to the new blog.... I have changed it because I don't want everyone and their brother being able to read what I write.  Some of it will be very personal and there are people out there that have shut me out of their life so I am going to attempt to shut them out of my life.  Yes this sounds very mean, probably much harsher than what I mean but oh well, it's my shtuff.....

I do ask for your feedback.... That is unless I make a post "comments not available."  Usually that's just a rant I need to get out.  Otherwise, comment away.  As long as it's not a religious (Jesus and such) comment or anything too bad, I wanna know.... Hate it? Love it?  Tell me what you think.  :)

So now - on with the posting :)

P.S. -  I do ask that you do NOT share what I post here (I know, it more or less goes without saying) but occasionally it still needs to be said.  Also, I have figured out how to bring my old posts over so if you have read them, cool but if not, I hope you enjoy them now.  :)

Woo Hoo!!! Got some sleep. :)

Yeah, it wasn't a lot but it was more than i have been getting and that makes me happy.  Took me a while to get to sleep but once I did I slept for a good 4 hours until my roommate's cat decided to play "peek-a-boo, stay in your room" with my cat...  Yeah, Casper (the other cat) likes to wait outside of my bedroom door and hiss at Toby (my cat) when he tries to leave the bedroom.  After that I actually was able to go BACK to sleep and get another 4 hours.

8 whole hours of sleep!!! Woo hoo!!!! Haven't gotten that much sleep in a night in a long time and guess what? It feels GREAT!!!!!

Guess after everything that happened last night I became so mentally tired that my brain finally just said "screw it, I am gonna turn off for a while..." Which is great because my brain NEVER stops which is part of the reason why I have had so much trouble sleeping lately.  Oh well, can't stop the inevitable.  It's fate, karma, whatever but it doesn't matter.  Eventually I always get SOME sleep, I still function.

I am just happy I didn't have to use a frying pan (not that it wouldn't be HYSTERICAL hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, I just don't really think it would work that well....)

Untitled today

(Yeah, I have no idea.... I just want to write something other than "who the heck reads this thing?")

So yesterday I had some fun with my site and was looking at the "stats" section.  Apparently people in other countries have "stumbled" upon my blog.  I wondered to myself how they came across it.... Who wants to read some dumb ramblings of one person with very little to say as of late?

Yeah, I know I have been ranting a lot lately but I am trying to be better.  I had someone who I considered a really close friend get very upset with me which led to him halting stopping/ceasing all contact with me.  Pretty much our friendship ended and it sucks and it hurts.  I miss talking to him terribly but I can't fault him for it.  He made a choice and I respect (even if I don't like it) his decision.  Yes there is SSSOOOOOOOOO much more to the story but it doesn't matter.  That is between he and I and telling my side will not change anything. 

Do I hate him? No, I don't.  I can't hate him because he helped me get through some tough times in the last few months.  I am just sorry that things ended the way they did.  For anyone who knows who I am talking about PLEASE don't think he is a bad person because he isn't.  If anyone who knows him (and is still friends with him) please don't think any less of him.  He is a very strong, smart, wonderful person that deserves the best.  He has been through so much and is still standing.  I don't know if I would be. 

Ok, so off to a new topic.  I know people can stumble across a page and if you are one of those people who have "stumbled" then hello!  As I said, I was looking at the stats of my blog and apparently I have had people from Singapore, Russia, Iran, Canada, Indonesia & China read my blog within the last month.  Of course people in the U.S. have too but that's kinda expected since hey, I live in the U.S.  Also, when I post a link on my facebook page, I have like 1 or 2 people read it through there....

So I have to ask if you are one of those people who does not know me personally and you have stumbled across my blog, how did ya find me?  Were you waiting for a page and they said "hey! check out this link!"  Did you read a post and think "Hey, this chick is TOTALLY crazy?"  (yes, I know I am, it's cool.) 

Regardless of how you found me, I hope I can at least entertain you a little bit (especially if you decide to come back and read my blog again)... Amusing others is something I enjoy doing.  It makes me feel better.  :)

I promise for anyone who actually reads this thing that I will try and be better about my posts.  I will try and not be so blah and depressing anymore (at least for a while).  I will try and post at least once a day (who knows, maybe even twice XD)...

Ok, back to work now.  :p

P.S. This song has been running through my head ALL day... I know, some people don't like Glee but if you just listen to the words you may get why it's a great song....

For those that don't want that one, here's two others that are inspiring to me right now:

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Ok, I am gonna write this whole post in green.  :) 

I don't know much about St. Patrick's day.  I am not Irish and I am not a big drinker but I have to ask; What is with the pinching?!?!? 

Sorry, I don't own green clothing.  Please don't pinch me.  Where did that tradition come from anyway?  I have a green charm on my bracelet, that's the best I can do.....

Sorry, not a beer drinker either.  (I know I am such a buzzkill)  I do drink Mountain Dew and that's green though so I guess I can say I am kind of in the spirit. 

All I ask if that my friends who are out there drinking at 8 a.m. (yes I know a few of them who are) please just drink responsibly.  I don't want to lose any of you on this day.  Have a great GREEN BEER DRINKING day and lots of fun to you.  See you tomorrow.

<3 to you all.  ~Me

More about me....

So the other day I posted a REALLY long list of random crap about me.... I actually had a lot of fun doing that and decided I wanted to do another one.  (Hope I don't repeat any of the old ones - sorry if I do...)

* I know I have some of the best friends and family out there.  They love and support me.  Unfortunately, I can't always tell them what is going on in my head either a) because I can't quite figure it out or b) I don't want to burden them.  Some people would not understand it and many might be afraid hence I bottle things up A LOT...

* When I get tired I have different stages of tired.  I have:
  (a) goofy-tired - this scares quite a few people because I get very silly. 
  (b) grouchy-tired - you really don't wanna see this one.
  (c) avoidance-tired - I look exhausted but won't go to sleep.
  I know I have more but can't think of them off the top of my head right now.....

* I have NEVER been a good sleeper.  I want to sleep but never really sleep well.  I had a doctor once tell me that I have "strange" sleep cycles because a normal person has a 90-minute sleep cycle but my cycle varies.  I can sleep 6 hours and only actually get 3 "good hours" of sleep. 

* I am constantly moving.  Even if it looks like I am still, I am probably moving my toes or something...

* I have a terribly short attention span.  If you want to write me a letter, keep the sentences short.  If you get "long-winded" I will get lost... 

* I have a reading disability.  I LOVE to read but don't always comprehend what I read.  Sometimes I will read things over and over again just to figure out what something means...

* I can't read well with background noise.  (for example: if a TV is on in the background I will either stop reading or leave the room.  The other noises distract me).

* Don't leave a tv on in front of me... My sister-in-law calls it "deer-in-headlight" stare.  I immediately stop and watch.  (this is really bad with reality tv)

* I can't stand reality tv.  I think it's crap, mindless, brainless stupidity and think people who get paid to be idiots on tv are even stupider than most.  (Yet I always stop to watch... dammit)

* I CONSTANTLY forget what words I want to use.  Sometimes it will take me forever to get my thoughts straight (sometimes because I can't think of the right word).  Occasionally I will think of a word in another language, it's kinda funny and fustrating at the same time...

*When I get mad my English vocabulary decreases... I may start yelling random words in other languages (including words that may not be real) at you or just out in general...

* I tell people I have "foot-in-mouth" syndrome because I have a habit of saying things wrong. I told a good friend of mine "if you were any older you could be old enough to be my mom" but what I meant to say was "We should just say we are sisters with a few years between us..."

* When I am mad and even music does not calm me down it usually means RUN AWAY VERY FAST... Time is the ONLY thing that will keep me from ripping a person apart.... (This happens rarely, don't worry)

* I believe I am funny in my own mind.  Unfortunately, it's never really quite as funny when it comes out... Hey, at least I can make myself giggle.  :)

* I love trivia. I play once a week (Thanks Lydia!)... I am pretty bad at it but it's fun so I don't care.  :)

* I am a closet "hermit."  I usually want to be alone but know that I can't be.  If I could work from home and never leave my house, I would seriously consider it.  (Especially if I lived with my brother and his family because I could still play with the kids everyday) My brother makes fun of me because I would "hybernate" in the basement when I lived with him.

* My cat thinks he is part dog. (Yes I tell people this all the time but it's totally true)  He LOVES to beg!  He also likes to try and tip your plate (if you are holding it) out of your hands so he can eat.  Don't try and eat cheese around him, he LOVES it and will not SHUT UP if you have it until you share and he has to have the last bit.

* Toby (the cat) also tends to roll over.  He can speak too sometimes...

* When I am home he will not let me go into the bathroom by myself.  (What cat does that?!?!?!)

*I have serious trust issues with the male gender.  (The cat does too)  It takes a lot for me to trust a guy and for some reason, whenever I really trust one, one of us always gets hurt (if not both). 

* More fun words:  (See previous post "This is me..." for explanation) http://randomnessofme2011.blogspot.com/2011/03/this-is-me.html
  - razza-fraggin (found a lot of people use this one)
  - gwumble (self-explanatory)
  - de-frazzledness (the state of coming out of fustration of confuzzlement)
  - snikey (pronounced shn-eye-key; used so not to swear since I do spend some time around kids)

* I have very strange taste in music (or so I am told by some people)... I can go from Hard Rock to R&B to Les Mis to who knows in any given amount of time.  I listen to almost all of it.

* I have never seen Pulp Fiction nor have I ever had the desire to.  (I know a lot of people will give me crap for this - sorry)

* Some of my favorite movies include The Princess Bride (also the book is awesome!), Labrynth, Boondock Saints, and Meet the Robinson.

* I can watch a Disney movie any day of the week.  I <3 Disney movies.  I also love Jim Henson movies.

*When I laugh really hard I can sound like a hyena.  Also, I laugh so hard I cry.  I call this "leaking"

* I love polar bears.  No idea how this came about, don't care, I just love them.  I think they are beautiful and wonderful animals.  :)

* I realized this thing has gotten long again so I gonna end here.... I know I missed things, please feel free to tell me your random thoughts about me.  I love to hear fun things people notice about me.  :)

Apologies

Did you do this on purpose? Did you wait for the opportunity to come along so you could turn it around back around on me? Are you glad that now you have made it look like it's my fault?

Guess what.... I f***ed up.  I know that, I can admit that.  Unfortunately, you don't want to listen.  Hence, not totally my fault anymore....

Look, I am not trying to lay blame on anyone.  I just wish you would talk to me about this.  We are adults... can't we act like it?

How many times/ways do I have to say that I am sorry for over-reacting yesterday morning? Did you even read my apology?

Part of me wants to say "whatever, I won't deal with this" and part of me wants to say "Can't we find a way to be friends?"

Guess you have made my decision for me.  Again, I am sorry.....

This is me....

Just a few things about me either you never wanted to know or probably will be too afraid to admit you know now.... we shall see:

I am a walking oxymoron.

I love more than I feel loved.

I am scared to fall in love because I don't think it will be reciprocated.

I thought I found the one I wanted to be with "forever" and then he did one of the worst things I never knew was possible, he used his words (not his actions) to kill my spirit... His words still haunt me years later.

I keep finding guys who bring and keep me down, yet I don't know what else to do.

As often as I say "I am never getting married" or "I am never having kids" secretly I want to find someone who will prove me wrong... (preferably the marriage one first but I will take what I can get)

I want to be happy but don't feel as though I deserve it...

I have made so many mistakes, I don't feel like I am a good person but I still strive everyday to try and be better even though I don't think I deserve it...

I have severe (at least I think it is) depression.  I try not to use it as a crutch but some days it's too hard and that is just too good of an excuse.

I hate excuses but sometimes they make things easier to deal with....

When I say "i'm fine" I want someone who can/will look me in the eye and call me a liar.

I am sick of crying myself to sleep at night and waking up just to pretend I am ok...

I am scared each and everyday that I will do something stupid that will hurt either me or someone I care about and that is my BIGGEST fear (hurting someone else unintentionally).

I push people away I care about because I don't want to hurt them... I don't want to drag them down with who I am and what I deal with.

I feel as though I am a terrible friend so I push people away in the hopes that I don't have the chance to really hurt them.

My mind is a sad, scary place and I hope no one ever has to see it.... EVER (I mean it)

I don't like to bring people down with my problems but some days I just wish someone would call and say "let's do (this or that) for no reason, just to get out"...

I am scared to call anyone and say that to them because I don't want to hear "sorry, I have other plans (with (whomever)).

As I write this, I wonder if I will actually post this and if I do, who will read it or how long I will let it be there....


(After I posted this I started thinking.  Instead of adding to what I already wrote, I thought of some of stuff and decided to add it to the bottom)

I wonder how many people are going to call me and try to get me to do stuff I have little to no interest in doing...

One of my best friends calls me Eeyore.  I am not particularly fond of this nickname but in the past few weeks this has fit me so well so I don't complain.  Just know I am not always "debbie downer" I actually can be a very happy person.  Damn depression.  :(  (ok, I know, another excuse but sometimes, it's the truth...)

(Maybe I should start another blog but oh well.... a few more and some of these are positive and/or funny)

I will probably at some point say something bad about you, i will almost instantly feel bad.  Exceptions to this: The more someone annoys me, the longer it takes before I feel bad.... there are very few people I no longer feel bad saying things about. (these are more or less people I no longer talk to...)

I tend to have "crushes" on people I KNOW I will never go after.  I will ogle a good looking person until I am blue in the face but I will never actively seek a relationship... (see above about falling in love)

I currently have 2 "crushes": Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park and Alexander Skarsgard (Eric from True Blood).  I know I will never meet them so I can ogle comfortably.  :) 

Writer's Block is the devil... I used to love to write, I used to be able to write until cows turned blue... now, it takes me forever just to get thoughts straight...

I used to want to be a writer but am afraid of failing (see previous comment)

I use ... WAY too much but it's kinda fun... :p

I hate the term "best friend" but I use it because I don't know how else to classify a few special friends I have.  I also have classifications of "closest friend(s)," "good friend(s)," and "acquaintance" to go with just plain friend.  I can distinguish between all of them, but don't ask me to explain, I won't be able to put it in words.

I hate asking for help, I don't want to burden anyone with my "feelings" or "insecurities" so other than the occasional rant, you probably won't see the "vulnerable" side of me unless you hit the "best friend" or "closest friend" category which is not easy to do....

I do not know what a real "date" actually is because I have never just "dated" a person.  I have been single too long that I don't know how to be in a relationship.

I currently don't want to be in a relationship (head screwey right now so not good idea....)

"get over it" is not an acceptable response to whining.  I will not use it and I hate hearing it.  (Exception to the rule: if you have been dealing with something to the point where you are "milking it" then I will say "get over it")

I have no shame when it comes to asking certain questions.  I asked a freind once what happened to their lip (it looked like they bit it but they cut it shaving - apparently no one else had to guts to ask. Maybe they thought it was a cold sore)

I don't want to go back to my childhood.  I was WAY more insecure as a kid.  I just hid it A LOT better. 

I wonder how many people will read this and mentally pull out all the grammatical and/or spelling errors...

I wonder how many of them can ignore the constant ...

I wonder if I will ever get my train of throught straight.... (I keep forgetsting what I was gonna write... at least I feel better from this morning so that's a bonus)

I constantly talk funny.  Confuzzled is one of my favorite words.  I also like fustrated and forgetsting - Thanks Mom.)

This is getting WAY too long so now I gonna end it.  Anymore thoughts I will just add on later.  :p

Jim Henson will always be one of my heroes!

Growing up I had many toys, movies, etc. whenever I wanted but most of my favorites all were connected to Jim Henson somehow.  :)

I mean who (around the age of 30) hasn't seen Labrynth, Fraggle Rock, Dark Crystal or Sesame Street?  Did you ever watch the Muppet Hour? I did!!!

I used to come home from school and run to the TV to watch Fraggle Rock... The Doozers, Trash Heap, Sprocket, The Fraggles themselves, the Gorgs.  Ah, I miss the Fraggles.....

and my parents thought Sesame Street was so entertaining.  I mean, heck, it's still on today!!! 

Oh and The Muppet Show?  and the Muppet Movies? Who didn't love those cranky old men in the balcony?

Of course, you can't forget the movies either.  Labrynth is still one of my favorites today and I watch it all the time.

Yeah, Jim Henson was an intrigal part of growing up.  Whenever I start thinking of my childhood I like remembering Jim Henson and his brilliance.  I know his company is still around today creating great new things but I will always remember Kermit singing "It's Not Easy Being Green"

"My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here" ~ Jim Henson